…And Thus Find Rest Forever

delicate pink porcelain
abilities encased
in steel cold and smooth.
my heart recoils in sorrow…
and I sheath them in velvet
red and lined with gold brocade,
those porcelain abilities
trapped in cruel grey steel.

a monolithic aggregate
of standards, expectations
and end results I cannot meet
no matter how I try
it’s never good enough!

If I do miracles and magic,
nurture hearts and raise morale
in stony grounds and ice cold hearts
it’s just what is expected from me,
normal, uncommented on
and there I languish, emptied
and so hollow in the birth.

And the Bible tells me one thing
but the world flat contradicts Them
and my weary heart befuddled
goes to Stockholm for a moment
and agrees with the accuser
and I’m falling then, I’m tumbling,
falling, turning in the dark and formless void.

But Mama says I must not wallow
but must strip away the velvet red,
and let Her cut away the steel
and touch the porcelain inside
for life, for love, for others
and thus find Her rest forever.PaWT3El

Any Reason Good Enough

he said he lost control.
of himself, that is…
and I wonder why he did
what he did and left other things
undone?sina-domke44
a word like glass
across my neck,
a splash of blood from
blasted nose, a shove severe
and skidding down
on skint and bruised knees…why stop there?
If it was mere control
he lost?

because
it might make him look
like…what?tumblr_mrz6qkmeV11rhpg9vo1_1280like the man with loaded gun
and empty heart
and heartless soul
who blasted her
out of her shoes
and into her grave?

like the man who
bashed her face
to bloody mush
and flicked his bic
and burned the pile
of gender trash
transgressive?tumblr_nj1iv8mDkj1s4ixmuo1_1280the lost control excuse
the panic and murder alibi
these abusive rampages
verbal, physical, psychic
feel justified to them,
morally acceptable, defensible,
any reason good enough.

Any reason good enough
lost control…
they conflate the two
and we continue
to die like flies.scars_of_self_hate_by_kapanihan-d8htjev

Into the Wilderness

In this Lent, Spring
threatens with her breakthru
of new life amidst showers,

but in these moments
I am mindful
of a different

turning…a journey.

a journey with Jesus
into the wilderness,
a place not unfamiliar

and yet each time I venture there
I am surprised by places that seem
so known to me and yet are not familiar

wilderness spaces never seen
despite my sojourns long and weary
oh, I know the dry topographytumblr_m016eoB7LQ1qai5yeo1_1280the landmarks’ names
(suffering, disappointment, doubt, sin)
caress my heart like tattoos

darted into my soul with ink invisible.

I want to rush thru the wilderness
to get to the other side and done
but am compelled to burrow deeper…

into deaths and deprivations
like the Shepherd did when He took nothing with Him
in that desiccated place.

in this wilderness of unmet needs,
what shall I do?
Where will I turn?

I dig deep for water but tap only the dust.
I seek to meet my howling needs in my own time and place
but all my clever methods only blow up in my face

and once again this journey ends
beneath that shadow long, that mark,
beneath the cross that stands so tall, so stark,
so still…

it can’t be circumvented or avoided,
it cannot be escaped, or null and voided
it’s the entrance and the exit all at once.

and once again anew I realize
that the suffering of the wilderness
transforms us, shapes, delivers us

into the resurrection
and the naming of our soul.sina-domke93

I Must Follow Drinking Gourds

sometimes people speak with mouths
while I am listening with heart
and heralds ringing in my ears
and golden trumpet blasts from spheres

and from those mouths comes noises
that I do not understand
as gravity pulls down
distorts the klaxxon soundstumblr_njx9mbtLMO1r082vzo2_540and it is then I realize
I live in a different place
where angels watching over me
and chariots swing low

and I must follow drinking gourds
and look for railroads underground
and throw off shackles every day
while people make their sounds…tumblr_njfol8SYPe1rvpbxco1_1280my ears hear different frequencies
they swoon with soft harmonics
and songs swift, supersonic
and way beyond the boom.

But not to worry, people
I learned to lip read early
and watch non verbals busy
and nod a lot and smiletumblr_nfui3v8YEH1tuoqeco1_1280

 

What I Wish People Understood About Dysphoria…

…that this coming to terms is not a one time, one way journey that once arrived in destination full is done and there to be on vacation forever…

…it is a daily choice, a moment by moment meeting with sanity, with choosing life and not death…

it takes courage to continue when the feelings fail to follow through and you are left alone with nothing but your own resolve to live and not die, especially when all around you is declaring that you either are dead already or should have the good graces to lay down and stop moving.

people in my life get discouraged and frustrated with me because the next day is sometimes worse than the day before after 3 days of steadily increasing life and hope…

…i don’t think they really get it that my brain/body disconnect is a really big deal existentially and that it isolates me terribly, a stranger in a strange land…

“how shall we sing, sing the Lord’s song, in a foreign land?”

that is from the psalms, and it is also a lyric from Godspell…the first time I heard this song I cried for days.  Literally.

I am crying now.

Oh Mama…how long!!????!!!!

Part 1: Transgender in Cincinnati

Part 1: Transgender in Cincinnati.

I wept as I read this…for all the long lost years of my own life…and for those found, saved years that Zay has ahead.

Blessings, Crawfords, and good on Ya!!

Faith

Faith: the substance of things hoped for
(not wished for, God Forbid!)
the evidence of things not seen.

Those were words that controlled us,
an electric fence to wandering minds
and to our quaking bodies.

The pastor oft repeated them
because he was afraid of loss
and overthrow of  his control.tumblr_njg7d19N8e1s4uwt4o1_1280But we were young and sang
“We will not fathom a defeat;
we will not even think about a death of any kind.”

a theology that’s bold enough
to voice a serious objection
to the status quo of fear
and to the slavery it breeds.

We took our crowbars optimistic
to that verse, we treated it
as if it pertained just to us,
jarred loose so juicy from its story
and community in history.tumblr_mxyq6k6Tow1ra0exdo1_500Once loose, we used it as a tool
to pry history from its flesh,
from its life pained, pulsing in time.

We used that verse
like a two dollar whore,
distorted it, individualized it
into half truth to keep ourselves
from considering anything less,
or contemplating anything more.

Our God,
more slot machine than Sovereign,
each prayer a greedy pull
upon Their Heart but for our lust
and we there, fake, beatific as if
answers were dependent on our shining phony faces
smiling dutifully in Canaan but saddened by the selfishness
that haunted in our hollows.

we needed a miracle
that would erase life
as it had become,
misshapen and ungainly
grovelling neath
our gaudy costume faces

we needed a death
that would restore us
a healing to deliver us
and language that was steady
not the dodgy bob and weaving
of a fickle weak theology
of self and self fulfilmenttumblr_mlnwsxC4301r9wdyco1_1280it was the language of lament that cut us open swift and true,
gave us honest prayers and angry prayers
grief stricken, low and lowly 
and we, finally laid low by loss
at last found the road Beautiful,
the road bloody and difficult,
the way of just the Cross.

Our confidently spoken truths
were just too good by half
and thus just mere half truths
that couldn’t go one pace beyond
into the place of fiery testing.

Thank God we got delivered
by gradual and sudden
loss that transforms everything
and quickly sobers up the dreamers
drunk upon communion wine.

We got our invitation and
we broke past that temptation
just to tarry in the safe and feast
on fat and easy answers…

we pressed straight thru to honesty
and wrestling with the mystery
of our Christ Crucified and big enough for everyone,
finally became big enough to die to self
and small enough to live here now

in stark repudiation
of our youthful indiscretions
so full and yet so empty.

We dwell now midst the paradox
of Living, Reigning Savior
in this woeful place of dying
we set our dark face like flint to walk
in living faith straight into ever after…

Living faith.
Amentumblr_njyzoi2o6B1t0lovho1_1280

Wisdom

Oh Wisdom, who partners You?
Age?  Experience? Who dances with You true?

In youth I blundered into loss and felt it sharp and keen,
knew the meaning of a promise in its status shattered, broken,
in its secret name left mute, loudly unspoken
except by shadows cast in pain and lonely loss.
And Wisdom came to me, to walk amidst my ruins.

Experience resulted in a somewhat measured gain
mixed freely in the world’s follies, and pleasures and pain
and while I received understanding tasting bittersweet
the bitter chased and nipped and bit my fleeing bloody feet
and Wisdom ran with me amidst those ruddy copper stains.

As time has passed my bones grow thin and brittle, so washed out,
bleached white beneath a blazing sun gone tharn and super-nova,
my heart has been ripped out and tossed into the fragrant clover
and that hole gasps and gapes like some ridiculous lost fool
and Wisdom came to fill it with Her Resurrection Jewel.

It is not age that counts, it’s not white hair or callow youth,
all must pass beneath Her Sceptre stretched, bright Golden Truth
and tarry in Her purifying white hot crucibles
and suffer all consuming losses cruel and terrible
to gain Her Presence constant, deep and rich and sweet and full.tumblr_nk02dlIsSv1r3fkjno1_1280

The Transgender Brain | Transas City

The Transgender Brain | Transas City.

For you science geeks…the biology of the brain is real, and its existence far more relevant to gender than plumbing.

It’s a bit dry to me…but the first time thru these things for me??  WOW!  Eye opening.

But best of all, it rebuts the notions of those who think that I have a mental problem, a spiritual oppression, or a newly emerged proclivity.

Sigh…few things are more discouraging than the so called supporter who (ignorantly) says to me “Hey, if that is what it takes for you to be happy, then I don’t care what you do, be happy!”

Nice sentiment, but it is not a matter of happiness…it is a matter of identity.  Not sure why that is so hard to get, but it is.tumblr_mqmr2yCtaV1qgv17go1_500

One Hell Of A Crucible

“…the self-awareness, inner resolve, and resilience a successful transition requires, the way in which it both evinces a desire for authenticity and is inseparable from such desire in other aspects of one’s life, is a relatively reliable predictor of an extraordinary person.

Being trans doesn’t make you strong, or gleam, but it is one hell of a crucible to forged in.”

Quote by “SmartAssJen”, a transwoman of extraordinary intelligence and substance

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By Far and Away My All-Time Favorite Movie

I saw this shortly after Dissolution Day…

It marked me forever.  I was 6 years old, and I cried through the entire movie as I watched the most beautiful, wonderful amazing thing I had seen up to that point in my life.

I wanted to be Maria…the most amazing person I had encountered.

I still watch it, every time it is on.  I still cry…and the song “Something Good” was, is, and will be one of the deepest hymns of commitment in my life.  It has been whatever “something good” happened somewhere, somehow, that has pulled me through, and someday I will know what it is.

On that Someday.

Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer celebrate the 50th anniversary of The Sound of Music on the newest issue of Vanity Fair.

I Sit Where Edges Meet

Greys, silvers soft and tinged with gold
and washed out pinks bleed from my heart
as I sit on the dock and look out on the lake
in longing, in lingering longing.

I wash across the sky so blue,
soft blue, robin’s egg unbreakable
and endless in blue, endless in echo
of my longing soul, lingering.

lingering.
yeah, that’s me,
and always has been.
on the edges sitting,
living inside my longing
bleeding, rising, blossoming.tumblr_njts5cL7951spq83no1_1280I cannot fly like birds
so instead I send me up up
tinging, coloring, rising
grey and silver and pink
against blue, and over blue too.

The edge of sky and land,
the edge of land and water,
the edge of water and sky,
it is at this nexus that I sit…I.

Without wings, without boats.

But I have my inner cello,
strings taut and tuned just so,
I have my song of greys and pinks
sprung from my silver bow.

So I will sit, here in this meeting
of sky and lake, land and song,
and play my tune across bright waters
that glow and glisten under skies

of blue tinged silver, shot with grey
and gleaming pink into the glowing night.

Fifty Shades of Grey review by Rosie Waterland

Fifty Shades of Grey review by Rosie Waterland.

Constance, this is an important review.  It pulls the funhouse mirror mask off of one of the most deceptive, disturbing, despicable pieces of pop culture phenomena that has washed up on the shores of our collective zeitgeist in quite some time.

I want to warn those with more sensitive reactions to harsh language that there is a liberal sprinkling of swearing and scatalogical vocabulary, but I think it is appropriate to the force of the emotion this writer is expressing.

It also helped me know why I had that huge shudder and check in my heart over this whole thing, and as I have said earlier I did know about this way back when it was a serialized fan fiction story placed in forums.

The issue is not the sexuality.

The issue is not whether anyone is “openminded” or “a prude” if they approve or disapprove of the production.  As I have laid out in 2 posts, I look at sexuality markedly different than seems to be the majority view, but then again I look at most things a bit different anyway.

No…the issue is that this piece of unbridled domestic violence is able to take its place in the hearts of so many millions of people as something to aspire to, something that a truly whole and balanced woman should be able to deal with…

…and it is that lie that I have always been revolted by, felt my spirit buck and shy away from.

It is tragic that Domestic Violence has even the smokescreen of legitimacy that it can hide behind, tuck in and draft off of…until it is back inside the 4 walls of some isolated domicile where the mask comes off and the monster comes out to feed.

Give this review a read, Constance…and then have the courage to know that somethings are just not necessary to accept just because they exist.

Domestic violence is never okay, even if it is wrapped in the promise of pleasure.  It is still a box of pain and sorrow.SAMSUNG CSC

Everyone Has Their Yellow Paint

Vincent Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought it would get the happiness inside him.
Many people thought he was mad and stupid for doing so because the paint was toxic, never mind that it was obvious that eating paint couldn’t possibly have any direct correlation to one’s happiness, but I never saw that.

“If you were so unhappy that even the maddest ideas could possible work, like painting the walls of your internal organs yellow, than you are going to do it. It’s really no different than falling in love or taking drugs.

“There is a greater risk of getting your heart broken or overdosing, but people still do it everyday because there was always that chance it could make things better.

“Everyone has their yellow paint.tumblr_njs2a8kwol1t0k6q7o1_500

C’est pas grave…

C’est pas grave…
Si j’ai le cœur en lambeaux
Les yeux en sanglot
Les joues chamallow
Et la voix lamento
Presqu’une épave…

C’est pas grave…
Si l’amour s’enfuit
Si le jour se prend pour la nuit
Si l’hiver encore me poursuit
Si le diable me séduit
Je ne serai pas son esclave…

C’est pas grave…
Quand le ciel me tombe sur les pieds
Que je me sens abandonnée
Que ma plume perd sa volupté
Que mes mains sont désarmées
Je continuerai à jouer les braves…

tumblr_ncb0y0bE531s8uwpyo1_1280
Mystic4Ever
Le 25 Novembre 2012

Building a More Resilient Transgender Community | The Bilerico Project

Building a More Resilient Transgender Community | The Bilerico Project.

Oh.
My.
God.

Constance, Brynn has truly touched the core of the issue, and has put into words what I have flailed at for post after post after post.

She speaks of the major issues that assail transgender people as we seek to deal with the storms that assail us living as transgender in a gender binary prison.

The things she says about suicide prevention, and why those things are far less effective in convincing a transgender person it is worth it to stick around are powerful!  I actually teared up as she verbalized what my heart feels when I deal with daily living.

Things like “Optimism for my future”, “belief that life has purpose and meaning”, and “strong social support from family, friends, and co-workers”…yeah, she shows so clearly how those sorts of things resonate far more sinister in a transgender heart.

Please read her article…and as you do, let this sink in:  I myself in my entirety affirm the absolute reality of these things she writes of…and that is from a woman who is beloved of God and knows it…and still faces this onslaught daily.

I cannot even begin to imagine how others face their lives, and my heart is broken.  I think that’s why I try to talk to each and every person I meet as if I am the last person that they will encounter in their life…I want that encounter to be the best one they ever had.

Do Justice.  Love Mercy.  Walk Humbly.

Charissa Gracetumblr_nk13w386A31qzcapfo1_500

The Evil of Too Much Compassion – #1000SPEAK

#1000Speak

*(Due to circumstances beyond my control, I was not able to post this yesterday.  Better late than never!)*

“Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.
‘the victims should be treated with compassion’
Word Origin
C14:
from Old French
from Late Latin compassiō fellow feeling,
from compatī to suffer with,
from Latin com- with + patī to bear, suffer”tumblr_niyul6FH6k1s4uwt4o1_500

Compassion.  You hear a lot about it.  It is an attractive word emotionally, these days.  It is a feel-good word, one that evokes feelings of admiration in the one who attributes it to someone, and a sense of pride and accomplishment in the one to whom it is attributed.

It’s sorta like a modern feel good girl-scout merit badge…wait, did Charissa just say that?  Now that is not a compassionate thing to say!!

Unless it is, because it serves to deliver from a greater pain in the future.

Here is the troubling thing to me, as we are seeking to unpack this word and let it take on form and substance, as we seek to bring about “the Incarnation of Compassion”.  We have far too often stopped at the first part of the definition of the word, and have utterly disregarded the origin of it…that part that talks about “suffering with”, or “bearing suffering with”.

Compassion is not about the one who has it.  It is about the one for whom the feeling is born.

And too much compassion is a dangerous thing, because it gets in its own way.tumblr_njinqxNvl11s9fah1o1_1280

After all, if you actually see your neighbor down the street, are moved to compassion, let the word become Incarnate within you, then you will take action and your time and energy will be consumed to the extent that your ability to have actual compassion (complete with action) will be severely curtailed commensurate with what you expend in this action.

I want to write, in the midst of this sparkling wonder of a snowstorm of exquisite flakes of compassion, to remind us that compassion is about someone other than the haver of it!  The mere presence of the feelings commonly called compassion are actually closer to “pity” unless we do something about those feelings.

And that is why I have titled this post “The Evil of Too Much Compassion”…it becomes a little blue pill that we swallow to assuage the pain that comes when we feel compassion and then take no action.  The alternative action is to simply read about more heart breaking things and feel more compassion, and then to read about more and feel more, and more, and…

…well, finally, we have become so compassionate that we are creating and attending “compassion rallies” and we are so stirred up about all the things we do that show how compassionate we are that we become very adept at dodging the homeless people laying in the streets and wrapped in rags and cold.tumblr_nhol1cpsSU1sjh130o1_1280

We are Houdinis of news aggregation.  We are becoming so broadminded, so large hearted, that we think that rights and privileges should be shared freely…to people of all sexual and gender orientation…and then we read of the murder of the seventh transgender woman this year.

Yes…in the first seven weeks of 2015, seven transgender women have been murdered…and these murders are scattered about the nation, they have nothing else in common save for the gender orientation of the women…and we feel…what?

Compassion?  Really?  Did we feel moved to the point that we chose to “bear suffering with?”  What form did your action take, when you read of that horror?  tumblr_njkv32vpAD1rg590io1_1280

Look, the fact is that if you remove the “trans” part and look at this string of murders in the way that most murders are viewed, it would seem the work of a very scary, very mobile serial killer who strikes with no rhyme or reason and could kill you next.  There would be an outrage and our police force would stir itself in paroxysms of action to hunt down and stop a monster who would kill women at the rate of one a week…sort of a twisted demented “communion supper” offered to death and defilement!

But no…it is not done that way, because compassion for a transgender woman who is killed is not quite the appropriate emotion, because she may have been out late, or at a bar, or she may not have told the murderer yet that she was trans, or she may have told him she was trans and thus deserved to be murdered, or she may have been interested in sexual activity with an attractive partner or she may have refused sexual activity or…

…well, she is transgender for god’s sake, surely she must have known she shouldn’t just walk around trans and not hide it (or is it tell about it and broadcast so as not to “deceive”, or is it try harder to pass, or is it that she tried too hard and thus looked like a parody of a “real woman”, or…or…ad infinitum).tumblr_njrpfdTKYa1r837hbo1_1280

We get very good at letting our eyes skim over the words in today’s latest story of woe to suck out the juice to slake our thirst to feel good about ourselves…and then not take action lest we limit ourselves in our hunt for more to feel compassionate about.

If compassion is not more than a feeling, then it is not compassion at all.

It is pride.

This day of compassion may or may not be that…it is up to you.

Mother Teresa once said something about this sort of thing.  She was in the gutter with a leper who had fouled herself with the loss of bowel control, and she was besmirched in the woman’s filth.  A passerby who was well off stopped and rebuked her, asking her what possible difference she was making in the world.

“Look around you!” he exclaimed.  “There are millions and billions of people suffering at this very second!  Your life here is wasted and your efforts are in vain!”

Mother Teresa looked up calmly at the man, and then she said this:

“I am not called to serve millions and billions…I am called to serve this one.”  She turned back to her little lamb, to tend her in her suffering, and the man walked away stunned, baffled.

But never fear, Constance…because he was very very sad about all the millions and billions of people who are suffering in this world…very sad indeed.

And he simply didn’t know how he would be able to go on with this burden, so he prayed that his already expansive “compassionate” heart would be stretched and expanded even further so he could feel that feeling…

…the one that proved what a fine fellow he truly was.

Highways…byways…lost lambs…get you there and let your feelings of pity be transformed in the crucible of suffering into true gold compassion.

Do Justice.  Love Mercy.  Walk Humbly…live compassionately.

Charissa Grace.ab1b96bff70ea85ee6e04e5c1aa30544

On this day, of all days…

tumblr_njtx54Or2q1tpdjt7o1_400… I am alive, and fiercely, joyously and gratefully so.

I remember 31 years ago, at 800 PM, and though others mourn and lament my failures, I rejoice and am glad in this day, every year before and every year since.

Cus I am not dead.

I am just no longer a caterpillar.Image 003

Do Justice. Love Mercy. Walk Humbly. Love, Charissa

BU researchers find biological basis for transgender identity — The Daily Free Press

BU researchers find biological basis for transgender identity — The Daily Free Press.

Constance, we are slowly discovering the biology that underlays gender orientation.  This is a process inevitable, and limited only by the edge of technological advancement.

Most importantly, it is the same curve of advancement that has existed for other things that were once considered evil, the results of demons, etc. and are now seen as the reality they have always been.

In a generation or two, we will look back on those who thing that gender variance is a moral evil, failure or choice as the beknighted ignoramuses that they in fact truly are.  They will be in the same drawer of history that contains those who opposed the civil rights movement, those who owned slaves and used the Bible to justify it, those who thought that epileptics were possessed by demons rather than simply the denizens inside a chemically unbalanced brain.

I have tried and tried and tried, over and over, to show you in everyway possible and all the ways you judge yourself and your own righteousness that my gender orientation does not impute to me any greater or lesser moral evil!  Because it is not a matter of inherent morality!  Anymore than your own gender adds any sort of moral texture to your own spirituality!

Isaiah 58 comes to mind as a pretty good list of things that would actually be far more pleasing to God than writing letters to people that boast about rivers that you will not cross or that conflate your own sexual proclivities and addictions with my gender orientation!

Directly speaking, I strongly exhort you to have the faith of your convictions and humble yourself and simply love.  Cross rivers.  Swim oceans.

But have a care not to make your converts twice as fit for hell as you are yourself.

Do Justice. Love Mercy. Walk Humbly.tumblr_mqlvipSQmW1r20af2o1_1280

This is the Gospel Truth

The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.
bell hooks

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Tomorrow is Today

look here, Sis…inside this door
(ignore the shoes on the floor)
feel the smooth cedar sides
and smell the incense promises
of growing into things
when all else stops fitting.

Feel the door?  I have been carving there
the promises I hear
broadcast from Mama’s Hair
(it’s in the falling rain, Silly Sis!
I swear!  And rainsong is full
of Her promises so clear!)

but push aside all these other clothes,
ones that we can use later for dress-up
when we are high on herb tea
and dreamy…lucid…flying
and feel right here.
Yeah, that’s the one!

I found this, laying in an old hat box!
It was hiding from everyone,
down at Mortie’s Second Hand store!
I brought it to the counter and asked
How Much?  He thought I meant the box.
He said he would sell it to me for a song.

I went to open it but his old liver-spotted hand
reached out gnarly but softer than spaghetti
and pressed on mine, and with the smallest shake
of his head he whispered “sing”.

So I did…singing of sun, shining. tomorrow…
Bottom Dollars and love…
and he added tears in harmonic light

Right??!  I know!  A bargain!
And when I went to try it on,
the dress said “hang me up and wait for Sis!”
So there…just for you…waiting its whole life
for you to step into it

and dance.

Love, me

THIS. Humility and Equanimity

I really admire Jay Z for this.  I have a feeling about this man…I think Mama sees depths and distances in him that he himself only has hints of.

I am hopeful that he doesn’t lose himself along the way and trade his heart in for diamonds…Mama must think very highly of him, as She has placed one of Her queens in his life.

I speak blessing to him, to them…Mama please preserve and metamorphize them!!

Ev

Oh Mama…may it ever be my lot!

Be the one who nurtures and builds. Be the one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart one who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them.
Marvin J. Ashton

Image 002 

Gender Bound | Judi Herring | TEDxJacksonville – YouTube

Gender Bound | Judi Herring | TEDxJacksonville – YouTube.

A very interesting short talk about gender…and how the binary has trapped and limited us as beings

 

My Only Comment on this…

…50 Shades of Grey…

yeah, I could rant about what is objectionable there for days on end.  From the topic to the takeaway, and even deeper.

I don’t like it on so many levels…and yes, I was aware of what this was a few years back when it was just an online forum fan fiction piece that started making waves.

If you have bothered to read here much, you know my feelings about sexuality and sexual expression, and why.  I want to emphasize that my objections to this thing transcend any particular picadillo or preference or pain or pleasure.

That is like objecting that rain is wet.

It goes so much deeper and thus gets easily overlooked in the assessment of cowardice that just freaking drives me crazy:  “Well, whatever it takes to make you happy, I support that”.

NO!!  I hear that all the time, and what makes us happy is rarely ever understood even by us or even effective at that so called happiness-production!

But I digress, and begin to rant about this…50 Shades of Prey (I mean Grey)

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The “Christian” Friend-Zone

How many times has this scenario been performed…in Their Name?

Read and make the application, yeah?

Educating a Friend
  • Me:  So, let’s say that you’re at school and you see a guy you know. I mean, you guys talk every once in a while and he’s pretty cool, but you’re not like friends or anything. You just talk to him every once in a while.
  • Guy Friend:  What’s his name?
  • Me:  I don’t know. Frank?
  • Guy Friend:  No.
  • Me:  Okay, fine. His name is Will. Okay?
  • Guy Friend:  I don’t think it really suits him, but okay.
  • Me:…So anyway, you’re at school during lunchtime and you see Will. So, you notice Will’s not eating anything. That’s when you realize that Will has no lunch, no money for lunch, and no way of getting either. He’s just sitting there like he normally would. He’s not acting any differently and he’s not asking anyone for anything. Not money, not a fry, not even a salt packet, but you know he’s gotta be hungry. So, what do you do?
  • Guy Friend:  Do I have any money?
  • Me:  Yeah. You have enough for you and another meal.
  • Guy Friend:  Duh, I buy him lunch.
  • Me:  Okay, cool. So, like you said, you buy him lunch. You buy your lunch and you buy his lunch and you go over and hand it to him. And, he says, “Wow. You know, that’s really nice of you, but I wasn’t gonna ask anyone for lunch. I was probably just gonna wait until I got home to eat.” And, then you say–
  • Guy Friend:  Nah, it’s cool.
  • Me:  Exactly. You say, “Nah, it’s cool. I’m just being nice. It’s a gift.” And, Will says, “You know, that’s awesome. You’re really nice, bro.” And, after that, you guys start hanging out. You guys are like really good buds. You are always hanging out and laughing and just having a good time. So, you guys are friends for a few months, and it’s tons of fun. Then, one day, you go up to Will and you say, “Hey, Will, you know, I’ve been thinking, and I kinda want that five bucks.”
  • Guy Friend:  What five bucks?
  • Me:  Hold on. I’m getting there. So, Will says, “What five bucks?” To which, you reply, “Well, we’ve been hanging out for a long time and it’s been really fun, but like, I’ve done a lot of really nice things for you. Like, I’m always nice to you and I always listen and do things you wanna do, so I was thinking that because I’ve been so nice, you should pay me back that five bucks I spent to get your lunch right before we started really hanging out.”
  • Guy Friend:  What? Why would I–
  • Me:  I’m not done yet. So, then Will looks kinda hurt and he says, “But I thought you were just being nice. I thought that was just a gift.” So, you say, “Whether or not it was a gift, don’t you think you kinda owe me that five bucks since I’ve been so nice to you?” And, Will says, “No. I don’t think I owe you that!” And you get mad, so you say, “Well, I think that you do, so I think you’re being really shitty and stuck up about this and I feel like I’ve been completely wronged.”
  • Guy Friend:  Oh, my God. That’s so fucked up of me. I would never do that to Will. Will was nice. We were buds. That’s way screwed.
  • Me:  I know, right? Hey, just wondering, have you ever heard of this fictional place called “The Friendzone?”
  • Guy Friend:  Well, yeah, but…
  • Guy Friend:
  • Guy Friend:
  • Guy Friend:  oh

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Since I Heard That I Was Dead

It’s been a hard five days
since I heard that I was dead.

So many people dream
of being at their funeral,
well I heard about mine
second hand and I am haunted,
underneath dark skies and dusk
by those deeds done distant,
done in his name
by those who do not know me
or have ever even met me.tumblr_m9yv6hMj3R1rtitxmo1_1280alas, there lies that caterpillar
faithful in the inches
and persistent in the scrunches
when life was deaf to all request
and death carried school lunches.
And silken shrouds so empty,
that chrysalis completed,
a parachute no longer needed or desired
has been laid to rest so gentle
in my mind and heart and soul.

But what is that small worm to them?
A giant? Tall and towering?
A person real and powerful?
Or personage unworthy
who must be tolerated
until the 18th birthday
when silence can take shape
and lay down thick on all?Molly MendozaA funeral…I thought those things happened
to those of brilliant value,
to those who are missed greatly
and mourned so in their absence…
certainly that news of loss
comes at me with such great surprise
because long silences took over
space and time so long ago
when conversation died and lives
were lived beneath unknowing clouds
of mute decisions made in secret
and consequences suffered
in pig styes in strange lands.tumblr_mfhgssIGJl1qjr7k7o1_r2_500I guess it leaves me rivven most,
the fact that I am not yet met,
or even known, or even thought worth knowing.
Nay, as I flutter on this twig
and let my wings dry out and strengthen
in the niggling sun, I am accosted
by their past and held accountable
for the willing spinning
and cocooning of my future
that the inchworm made for me.tumblr_n5s4s9FkHc1tq7o0to1_1280And in this time
my throbbing heart
was struck a blow
surprising and so shocking,
and she flew to make things right.
But while I prayed for her,
I found it beyond comprehension
that I would ever be seen
or noticed as the wonder that I am,
or even noted when I am
at last released from these bright wings…
even a shrug is more
than I can conjure up in hope so unrequited.

Five days…hard.
since I heard that I was dead.tumblr_nf93uaLmkp1qzcq51o1_1280

 

Fresh Washed Sheets and Yeasty Bread

a bed of fresh-washed sheets
and smells of fresh baked bread
waft yellow down my hall
into my twitching nose.tumblr_n12khuWFgT1s6nbxco1_500I find more nakedness in those comforts
than in the brothels of the Romans.
They strip away my cloaks of fear,
they dissolve my masks so carefully applied
and let my face lay fallow and unharrowed
while I am carried off across the gulfs of time…

Another me, both proud and vulnerable
and peeking thru my fingers at my stomach
and those fine glistening hairs white
in the morning sun beams refracted
thru the window pane
while birds sing lazy and slow trilling
on the outside.tumblr_ni6om40Znw1s1gcxio1_1280My bedside table has you there
in memento and framed, still
but straining at the edges
with that unrestrained smile.

My thighs are creamy white
like fresh bread broken
and awaiting new churned butter
still wet with milk and clotted cream.

That red affection and connection
and there like butter yeasty bread
and crusty breakfast wait
with a warm and singular
latte on my swelling hips.tumblr_ni9d4cbqhI1so83hto1_500I let go in strength, and feel
weak and without grip
and without need to grip
because my core is not containable
or needing a container
because it is me, and home…
every curve and crevice,
every speck and scar.

The tinkling jangle of
forks and dishwasher racks
jettisons that lovely past
and I am here again
in that bed of sheets
and baking bread
and serrated knife
that goes right thru that loaf
like it’s butter beneath
burnished bronze edges
and steady fingers.

Those scents will not flash forward,
but I dream of a day
that I might be unmade,
fresh sheets shown beneath,
yeasty bread laid bare
beneath a faithful blade.tumblr_njgj2kmduC1r2zs3eo1_1280

I Squint At Light

Will you look into the sun?
Squinting, leaning sideways
so that the razor shards
can’t slice your sight so tender?

I want to remind you, darling
illumination still
begins with Light,
God Unobscured
(though cloaked in clouds
of Knowing Dim Unknowing)
Incomprehensible and Present.tumblr_mh7hnhHp7L1qlp8dho1_500Bathed in brilliant living light
I see my true identity fair
yet so different than common stories
of princesses soft and helpless in a castle!tumblr_njff6q44p51rv2dfko1_1280I dwell in soot and ashes low and dusky
but live inside a towering castle bright
where I imagine happy ever after
is more than just a jump-rope chant in time.

I am a treasure hidden in these ashes
and swaddled in the sackcloth of life’s sorrows
I am much more than currently imagined
and I transcend the myths of their assumptions!
Because I squint at light and still believe
in magic and in happy endings bright
and evil queens who fail to taint my beauty
because against their twisted schemes I fight
until they finally fall to fates deserved and serve them right.

Because I still am glad I fell in love
and so will never fall upon death’s sword
(though I will suffer sword stroke fell and final
but not so final in that Final Throw!)

I will sit tall today and dream in color
because my dreams are valid and enough
and that enough depends upon my Mama
and my persistent buzz of joyful trust.tumblr_na1ju1FKtL1t00v8po1_500

Disruption in Gethsemane

Disruption
confusion and disorder
(or merely interruption)
come fatal and so final.

Belief is baffled, battered
by numbing contradictions,
and competing experiences
storm our sunny smooth white walls
with scary scrabbling quick movements
and alternatives quite shocking
come compelling in assault.

Disrupted
we encounter mirror faces
and radical indifference
we’ve never known before
never anticipated,
afraid there, we are frayed
and fractured and
disrupted.

our brittle self-sufficiency
illusory, confused,
our “self-control” confounded
our trust and self-reliance
confabulates with darkness
in that Gethsemane
of dread disruption beating…
and all our treasure hauled away
dispatched midst scattered plans
and strewn cross ruined hopes.

And we at last are laid to rest
beside the ancient stony press
our sweat run red like blood upon
our faces taut, abandoned, wrenched…
and finally alone with God…

the Disrupter
of our plans
of ideas
entire lives
turned topsy turvy
in the current of the common
and expected day of life
come in the chaos of the moment of
disruption.

They alter every altar
They smash down every idol
that sits so still and solid
but quiet in the night,
and far more so than silence
that roars without a word.

Unnerving and unsettling
toppling the familiar
overthrowing order
to bring a lasting Kingdom
run on Unexpected Love
peaking round the corners
into every heart,
and contradicting all
we blithely take for granted
as absolute in history
and real enough to trust
midst diamonds and rust.

But then They get quite cheeky
and mayhap downright rude!
They talk as if the dead shall rise,
returned again to life, what does that mean
about realities and rules for our lives
we take for granted as the order
and the way of everything?

Well, some think that disruption
plays teeter totter games
with resurrection on the other end
and our soft hearts their fulcrum
and God the Gravity so constant
prevailing over all!

But me?
Well, what do I know
in the tidal changes constant
and the ebb and flow
of people never here but never gone?
It’s a landscape of adventure
navigated by a compass
marked by faith and pointing true
at the lodestone thick with grace
and crystal clear in brilliant love,
crystal clear in brilliant Blue?

No…that is not quite accurate,
not “what I know”, but Who…
the Disruptors of my tragedy
the Resurrectors Kind who Love me
and in this I find that this disruption
is a start of something permanent
and lasting so much longer
than my ebullient grin.tumblr_njcs3jXOCs1qzif7oo1_1280

The In-Between Spaces

I want you to stop running from thing to thing to thing, and to sit down at the table, to offer the people you love something humble and nourishing, like soup and bread, like a story, like a hand holding another hand while you pray. We live in a world that values us for how fast we go, for how much we accomplish, for how much life we can pack into one day. But I’m coming to believe it’s in the in-between spaces that our lives change, and that the real beauty lies there.
Shauna Niequist

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Just Overheard This…

“Don’t come at me with all your ‘weird little man logic’, okay?!?”
From the movie “The Other Woman”

oh gawd how I laffed at that…remembering all the weird little man logic I overheard for years…tumblr_lojcwnx4at1qknvf5o1_1280

Dear Susan: Am I Not Loving Gays When I Tell Them the “Truth” About Their Sin?

Dear Susan: Am I Not Loving Gays When I Tell Them the “Truth” About Their Sin?.

Constance, I hope this morning finds you well.  I also hope you will read Susan’s article in response to a letter she received on her blog.

I am posting it here because of the relevance of the attitudes of the correctors…not necessarily as a comment on the issue itself.

You see, I too have been victimized by people who say things like those referred to in this article:  I have had it hurled into my face by those who tell me with a straight face that it is their obligation to out me to others and comment on my transition to them (before I even have the chance myself to say a word to people who are unaware of my choice and the journey to that choice)…and then comes the coup de gras:  “If I don’t take this stand then your blood is on my head!”

Did you catch that?  I am deprived of my own chance to speak for myself in the name of being “loved”, and then told that the one “loving” me with such betrayal is doing so to avoid having my “guilt” attributed to them!!

So love is involved…but it is not love of me…it is also not love of the person they are gossipping about me to (yes, it is gossip)…the “love” that is in operation here is the love of self, which is idolatry.

Christians who violate other people in the name of love are simply practicing the sin of idolatry.

Susan comments very well on this subject…take a look.

And then consider a novel thought:  allowing God to be God and the One and Only True Knower of the Hearts of Human kind, and taking your place on level ground the moral equal of ones that you have judged and judge wrongly.

Do justice.  Love Mercy.  Walk Humbly.tumblr_mnw8oxlzn11qapjp8o1_500

Prima Donna

Je suis belle d’amour quand d’envie tu me prends
Touchant ma nudité d’une voix sensuelle
À bout de souffle encore avec tes yeux brillants
Comme l’or du champagne aux saveurs éternelles.

Sans tabou, ni motion, tu feints la raie cardiaque
Jouant la partition d’un violoncelle hors pair
L’adrénaline monte aux vertus volcaniques
À mon sein tu te pends, goûtant aux mœurs de chair

Je suis tendre ingénue à mon cou tu respires
Un rêve intemporel éveillant l’appétit
Corps et âmes liés , tu deviens mon empire
Parsemant de cailloux le soleil de mes nuits.

Au point de non retour, dépassant les limites
J’élève l’émotion au rang d’accord parfait
Au secret des lèvres sur nous la mort subite
Déclenche lover dose aux multiples effets.

Je suis énigmatique au sourire angélique
Joconde provisoire étayant ton exploit
Mon cœur est de velours quand tu me peins mystique
Allégeant les heures me séparant de toi.

Un opéra de chambre éclabousse l’extase
Vibrato contre peau, tu te lies à mes reins
Dans un fougueux désir d’accéder à l’emphase
De ma gestuelle qui défie tes sacro saints.

Je suis belle d’amour quand d’envie tu me prends
Touchant ma nudité d’une voix sensuelle
À bout de souffle encore avec tes yeux brillants
Comme l’or du champagne aux saveurs éternelles.

Mystic4ever
Le 28 Janvier 2012

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Do You Dare?

“Give up your self, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end.  Submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead.

Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”

Last lines from the book Mere Christianity from C.S.Lewis

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The “Anti”-Fair Weather Friend…

Every person has a dark side.

What defines a person with good character is not a spotless life of constant kindness, smiles and even temperament.

But rather, it’s the yearning to learn from your mistakes, applying it, making amends for them and choosing not to repeat them that defines good character.

These are the friends to keep in your life because they have stared adversity in the face and became a better person because of it.

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From Living to Die to Dying to Live

Constance…

Due to harsh circumstances both in my own life and in the life of my truest friend, I have been thinking a lot about death…

…what is death?

Is death the loss of animation, the exit of that ineffable spark undefinable?  Is it the fleeing of warmth and movement?

Or is it something more, something deeper and more final, more tragic and fatal?

Back up, waaaay back to when I was around 25 years old and torn asunder from myself and tromping all over me with the jackboots of performance and despair…at that time I considered that the days I had on this earth were a prison sentence that I had to serve before I was finally released through death and reunited with God.

I was living to die.

And in a very real and primal sense, I was already dead and just didn’t have the good grace to realize it and lay down somewhere.

But now?  Oh Constance, these days I endure “death” in so many ways…but it is in my deepest desire to live at last, so I am dying to live.  I have “died” in the workplace.  I have died to ever being able to go back and get a do-over.

And I have “died” to people…this is what grieves me most deeply as it is now that I am finally and fully alive and awake!

So I ask you:  does the declaration of others make me dead?  People who have not talked to me in forever?  People who resent me because in their hearts, I Charissa have killed their friend, their relative…

And yet they refuse to really know me, to taste my life and see that the Lord is good, good to me and thru me…

When someone doesn’t care deeply enough to experience my life, why are they so driven to declare me dead?

Honestly, it feels to me like they are the ones who are dead…they are dead to their responsibilities to the living.  They are dead in their hearts which should be tender and lively and rejoicing in good…at least it feels like that.

My very best dearest friend is facing death right now, stark and real.  Not some romanticised falsely tragic vision of death placed in service of a world view that is dedicated to self, but real, ugly, stinky, terrifying death carrying with it all of the ultimate and final separation that is the true horror called death.

I am sure she would get my heart cry:  dying to live rather than living to die.

I am thinking of her, as I was struggling with these ideas, and sending her all my love, and every single molecule of life I can channel from the Life Giver Themself!tumblr_nh42bx2QI21rpwlwto1_1280

 

Lamentation On Behalf Of My True Friend

Bad news swirls stark,
cold leaves on carny winds
and in this rising tide
I fear the ship is sinking.
I am choking on those
gall-soaked fingers of despair
jammed down my raw wracked throat
while I wretch and wrench
and heave to summon optimism,
that phantom failed-familiar. tumblr_n4u6ddhBr01rg18hao1_500I do all I can to bail the rising water,
even as I wrestle against fear and anxiety.
It’s in these times that sadness overwhelms me
in a blurry growing storm of weary longing,
a tragic tide of lonely isolation
sweeping deep over me, drowning me!
I have befriended long lament
and I take comfort in loud cries
and blasting mourning echoes throughout time
and history in crying, captured true in poems, songs
and statements of lament, a dolor
that submerges hope and quenches dreams.

tumblr_nccazgd7DU1rsisk5o1_500I groan in deepest cries of agony, of anger and confusion,
of disorientation, of sorrow, grief, and protest
that linger as mere echoes of a long ago lamenter of every human loss:

“Harvest is past, summer is ended, and we are not saved.
For the brokenness of the daughter of my people
I am broken; I mourn, dismay has taken hold of me.
Is there no balm in Gilead?
Is there no physician there?
Why then has not the health of the daughter of my people been restored?” tumblr_m95cwnOMwD1rrfdrgo1_500But now I face realities that feel completely overwhelming:
illness, death and loss and being ever on the losing end of things
and that through no fault of my own but always in last place or left behind.

My cry of pain is this:
my deepest acknowledgment I am still not home,
here divided from my body and my own deepest desires
found in my dearest relationships.
I am separated and long for utter restoration
in this overwhelming sorrow…

I find myself within this crucible of transformation
and discover that the waters of despair that seek to drown
and overwhelm can become waters of
glad cleansing and repair.

lament may yet have
its own way of transformation.

“For if the Lord causes grief, then They will have compassion according to Their abundant lovingkindness.”tumblr_njhuuqfPpN1rf7p4to1_1280

and Shining *

crucifixion singing in the center
giving voice to what is broken
in this dark and dying world
and Shining

one song inextinguishable
paradoxical, inexplicable,
surging somehow inside life and death
and Shining

it galvanizes all things, transforms everything,
it plays, this lone hymn hanging
of the Hangman Finally Hung
and Shining

in dissonance, resolve,
tension and release
inexplicable black tragic tenor notes
unexplainable red suffering,
scrawling over bass drone
deep and purple-bruised
by perplexing dark despair

and I stare…I stare…I stare…
in mute horror mixed with wonder
and the jarring jangly notes
swirl and slash, they cut and caper
around that Body Broken
and Shining

the dissonant nightmare score
is writ there on His face
is writ there on His back
is writ there on His head
is writ there on His hands and feet
is writ there in grace notes
is writ there bloody, permanent.
is writ there permanent

and shining.

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Barry Williams Makes Insensitive Comments About Bruce Jenner And ‘Going Transgender’

Barry Williams Makes Insensitive Comments About Bruce Jenner And ‘Going Transgender’.

Constance…

You will notice that I have not as of yet commented on Bruce Jenner and the news that he is grappling with gender identity issues.  There are a lot of reasons why, beginning with the unfortunate context of his life in the “celebrity limelight” and running the gamut all the way down to the fact that Bruce has not made a comment yet on the record regarding the whole complex topic.

Therefore:  we do not yet know what is transpiring and thus should just wait.  Why wouldn’t we?  Why is it so important for everyone to know?

Ahh…that brings me to the real reason I haven’t commented:  I am hoping that by now you who regularly read here would be spotting the tropes, cliches and inaccuracies in the story.  Such as these:

One doesn’t ever change “gender”…we are born to the gender we identify as, and pretty much nothing can change that.  Based on the bell shaped curve that nearly every phenomenon of this world falls on, most people’s gender orientation and biological sex match up…but there are literally millions of people alive today, and sprinkled throughout the ages and epochs of history whose gender orientation and biological sex do not match.

Thus, to say that Bruce is “becoming a woman” is a deadly ignorant inaccuracy.  If Bruce is for real, and not simply exploiting a “hot topic” in service of the celebrity status that plagues that family, then Bruce has always been a woman, and is just now becoming congruent with the fact that Bruce’s biological body and gender orientation have been at odds in a lifelong conflict…and at long last is taking the steps necessary to invoke that congruency.tumblr_n988sx6qrY1re12ono1_500

Other repulsive things are being said and done, but one of the most repulsive is when people accuse Bruce of “going transgender”…such a story is behind the link that I put at the top of this post.  An aging ex-celebrity made this comment in the form of a bad joke and showed several things in it:

First of all, he showed the permanence and insistence of gender orientation!  Yes, the fact that he was outraged by it enough to joke about it shows the thing that I have written of many times before:  the outrage of so many cis-gender people when contemplating a “gender change”.  Since gender orientation doesn’t really change, the concept of body and orientation being juxtaposed is simply not acceptable as a state of being…welcome to our world!

If this idiot really did seek to transition his body, he would be buying a ticket on the train into gender dysphoria-ville, not out of it!

I say to this person:  go ahead.  Do it!  I dare you…start dressing female, start grappling with the rejection, the ridicule, the open stares of disgust, and the troglodyte attempts at humor that testosterone-fueled people make repeatedly…and thrive.

Wait, what?  You would hate that?  You would find the price not worth it because instead of gaining anything you lose everything?  Well, goodness gracious…isn’t that a shocker!!  You just discovered that you aren’t really transgender, and you proved the permanence of gender orientation!  Because truly dysphoric people do indeed walk the transition road I described above, endure the horrors I enumerated, and end up more whole as people, more at peace, and more fruitful as human beings inspite of all those bad things!

The peace and “fit” of gender orientation inside an incongruent body is such a deep and important factor in a healthy human organism that almost all of the terrible things we go thru seem as nothing compared to what we gain…if we are of stern enough mental mettle to endure the fiery trials that the cis-gender world rains down on us…driven as they are by their own horror at imagining living as the other gender with their own unchanging and unchangeable gender orientation!tumblr_n9kj52yfDb1tp8szvo1_500

But this first point, the location and persistence of gender orientation, is as nothing compared to the deeper and far more subtle inference that is on display:  that being a woman is a horrible thing and a human being should be ridiculed for openly embracing one’s being if they are doing so from within a biologically male body.

I mean, think about it:  since when did women have such a road in life that all they have to do is announce to a magazine that they are a woman and they immediately get a career, fame, fortune, attention, and ego gratification?

Since when did being a woman not mean making around .75 for every $1.00 a man makes in the same job?  Since when did being a woman not mean that merely walking down the street alone puts her at risk of sexual assault and possibly being murdered?  Since when did being a woman not mean dealing with being treated as an object of no value save what sexual pleasure she could provide and what reproductive opportunities she could grant?  Since when did being a woman in our world mean any kind of advantage at all???

Clearly, the man is an insensitive and unaware buffoon, and I wouldn’t even give him the time of day normally…but he provided such a good mirror opportunity for those who are thoughtfully educating themselves about gender orientation, those who are taking their courage in hand to realize that there is no inherent morality in how we are oriented, but rather in how we live that orientation out.

What other things do you see hidden in this man’s stupidity?tumblr_n9igfjjFFI1tuih7ho1_500

Now…back to Bruce.  I encourage you to read of this journey, from the most reputable sources you can find, and really listen.  Listen.  Listen to what Bruce says, if anything at all.  Listen to the way things are reported.  Listen to the spin that reporters put on things.

Pay attention to the patriarchal paradigm assumption that are foisted on this.  Notice them, and draw inferences from that.  Watch for the things that happen at the level of what is assumed, such as one’s status and worth as a female and one’s status and worth as a male.

Be aware of the gossip and talk surrounding you in your daily life when this topic comes up and the flaming ignorance that will abound and be celebrated…watch how that will be mostly male humans who act that way.

And then…I have no right to ask this of you, I realize, as I am transgender and thus of an inferior human caste, so I am humbly beseeching you, Cis-gender Constance…then consider maybe speaking up in the midst of this ridicule and flaming ignorance, and bringing some correction and truth and light into the situation.

I seem to remember some admonition that true religion involves defending the powerless and the alien, the widow and the orphan and the stranger…here is the perfect chance!

Do Justice.  Love Mercy.  Walk Humbly,

Charissa Gracetumblr_n81ff1rQWM1spq83no1_1280

Oh Brazil! You Never Knew Me!

Landscape of Disruption and thick Decadence
washing ever over me in those thin emerald waves
teal and deep blue, muddy yellow and tan.

Your streets of light and music,
aimless, drifting bacchanalia bright and colorful
snaking through the throngs teaming
and strong smell of no limits but your streets
of cluttered trash and timorous times and eyes looking
pleading pits of hopeless wincing and no pity present,
just despair metastasizing monstrous and insidioustumblr_n4kvt2P0ug1r312weo1_1280

You never knew me.  You looked at my surface
you thought me shallow and giddy.
You missed that shredding heart tested. Yes!  I said it!
Tested in your dismissive glance.tumblr_nixz2eBG9t1t170o4o1_1280Well, my glance is not shallow or naive,
my heart is shrewd and assessing and my eyes are clear and courageous
in the maelstrom of fear and fascination as I walk your streets…
and they walk me as well

streets of flowers and perfume, streets of plenty piled perfect,
exquisite in their rich opulent promises
and other streets too, decorated
with tarp-roofed hovels masquerading as houses
and sex-crazed humans masquerading as homes
and lost souls writhing in streets with no roof at all.tumblr_n8tx1i70Ez1stoo0qo1_500And you distrusted me!
You called me threatening and treacherous,
and your gimlet eye wide and white
glinting with ignorance and fear
but really just too damn lazy to make the effort
to climb inside this sleek white skin God borned me in,
this suburban Illinois pelt from streets
with singular but uniformly similar looking
roofed houses, with more than enough food, clothing,
and resources to meet needs and wants…
no.  You never looked deeper.
You never gave me a second glance.
Oh Brazil, I never had a freaking chance!tumblr_nhf2qs1kUr1r2zs3eo1_500

You are too comfortable in your schizophrenic status quo
to see me, different on the inside than I am on the outside,
too confident you are one and known…
to yourself and others…
keep telling yourself that comforting untruth.

but you are just like me
and you don’t even know it!
You never knew it.
Will you ever?
Know it?tumblr_nj0rcte80F1s3isy6o1_1280You with your rivers merry and feeding your heartland
and used for all things at once?
bathing…defecating…washing…drinking…
(and I am the polluted one?)

You with your monkeys quick and mischievous
and your giant wads of sloth hung lazy in the lush trees
verdant and slow…unaware, unaffected, unbothered…

You…pet monkeys and parrots in the midst of poverty and pleasures
and the never ending search for food or other treasure
in dirt and filth, in gold and glitter.tumblr_n9ylszk87k1t2ulawo1_1280Oh Brazil!  You never knew me!
You never tasted the blood I gave you
in laughter and singing and abounding smiles,
in unspeakable desolation and despair,
shriven of hope for a moment and too close to the cold…
I bled while you merely blinked blankly.

Well, I survived, no thanks to you.
I moved on before you could fall from trees
or sneak in windows or bite my soft arms
with hard beaks and bright feathers.
Oh, you left your forever marks
but I am still myself within my pulsing heart,
I am still and always will be red…
red red RED against the backdrop of your
splashy showy palette…and you so puzzled in my singularity.

Well I like it, red…I like me!  And I walk on
my head held high and face into the wind
and I am unencumbered by your war and free
but alas for you, Brazil, alas!
Though I know you, you never knew me.tumblr_niuw130dds1ruxmcho1_500

Sky and Sea and Wind and Time

Here, at this late and early shore
in clammy mist and silent roar
shriven and stripped, scoured to my core
and needy midst this weather-war.10555184104_d06464db63_bI wait for you with my torn heart
Clutched in cruel claws and pulled apart
by lonely memories sweet and tart
in loss I’m given this fresh start.tumblr_n8rdf9rMDR1sbg1lmo1_1280Remembering fire in this rain
Remembering sweet in suffering
Remembering roots thrust deep in pain
and incense smoke removes my stain.tumblr_niwavp4zff1qllucco2_1280Old wood, dead wood and debris
and underbrush, flammable me
has fed the flames’ raw hungry plea
Consumed, renewed and set me free.tumblr_ngyjtuRmRp1to6p13o1_250Sky and sea and wind and time
wash me clean of my past’s thought crime
And scrub away my grief and grime
I’m born again in Love sublimetumblr_nh5m0leAcn1qgk7mfo1_500

Pastor Looks Up In Tears. “I Had No Idea.”

Pastor Looks Up In Tears. “I Had No Idea.”.

Constance…let these words sink deeply into your heart…an imagined conversation between a pastor and Jesus on the day they meet.  Powerful, poignant, and painful.

Reader…go to this link.  Read.  And then I beg you to stop throwing around your theology like a boomerang, one that always returns to you with blood on it.  When you catch that boomerang well the blood is on your hands.  Simplify your complex need to judge and categorize and rend your heart and not your garment.  Repent of your passive aggressive ways, and stop speaking death in the name of speaking the truth in love.

Just love.  In truth.  And leave the speaking to Mama.

Do justice.  Love Mercy.  Walk Humbly.
Charissa Graceimage6

I Am Systematically Intentioning This…

Constance, I am adopting this quote as part of my credo…not as a replacement for my relationship with God, oh God no!  How could that even happen?  That is like thinking that I can replace my blood type with a different one and still live.

But there is room for growing, evolving…learning…and this is a good addition.

Caveat:  This will be difficult for a lot of people who have known me in the past…they will think I am being a jerk, but I am not.  I simply decided that there are things that are not my fault or responsibility and I am not going to eat those plates of Sh*t on a Shingle anymore.  I am just setting good and righteous boundaries that are actually far more humble than the lack of boundaries I was previously dogged by (which were a function of poor self-image which is just a mask for pride).

I choose to choose how I spend my precious.  I will teach, and learn in the process.

Oh…and those of you who just now me now?  You will scratch your head and wonder what’s different!  Lol…it will just be the blossoming and blooming of the flower you have known.

Do Justice.  Love Mercy.  Walk Humbly.
Charissa

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