I am tired of the surface and the shit, I am tired of facades and phoniness
I am leaving for the day, into myself. If you wanna know where, listen to this and follow the clues
Tag Archives: Song
The Antidote
Van Morrison’s music is my medicine.
This song
Jane Siberry – Love Is Everything (Harmony Version)
Maybe it was to learn how to love
Maybe it was to learn how to leave
Maybe it was for the games we played
Maybe it was to learn how to choose
Maybe it was to learn how to lose
Or maybe it was for the love we made
Oh, love is everything they said it would be
And love made sweet and sad the same
But love forgot to make me too blind to see
You’re chickening out, aren’t you?
You’re bangin’ on the beach like an old tin drum
I can’t wait ’til you make the whole kingdom come
So I’m leaving
Maybe it was to learn how to fight
Maybe it was for the lesson in pride
Maybe it was for the cowboys’ ways
Or maybe it was to learn not to lie
Or maybe it was to learn how to cry
Or maybe it was for the love we made
Oh, love is everything they said it would be
And love did not hold back the reins
But love forgot to make me too blind to see
You’re chickening out, aren’t you?
You’re bangin’ on the beach like an old tin drum
I can’t wait ’til you make the whole kingdom come
So I’m leaving
First he turns to you, then he turns to her
So you try to hurt him back
But it breaks your body down
So you try to love bigger, bigger still
But it, it’s too late
So take a lesson from the strangeness you feel
And know you’ll never be the same
And find it in your heart to kneel down and say
I gave my love, didn’t I?
And I gave it big sometimes
And I gave it in my own sweet time
I am just leaving
I am just leaving
Love is everything
Love is everything
Love is everything
Love is everything
Love is everything
Love is everything
Sanctuary– For JD
Remember Litter-Mate…the fact that they other and police you affirms your authenticity!!
Kyrie Eleison
Just ran across the most beautiful and sad song that catches the essence of my heart right now
“”In a long forgotten book I read,
something that Augustine said,
in his deepest wound he found God’s Glory,
but I’m afraid that I’m too sick,
to conjure up that magic trick,
can I write myself into that story,
kyrie eleison…
kyrie eleison…
once had faith
but now it’s gone
kyrie eleison…
kyrie eleison…
I cut myself with stones and cry,
pretend, I’m not alone when I
fear that all along it’s only me,
kyrie, do you care?
eleison…”
Now…of course I have not “lost” faith…how could I? They found me and will never lose me…but it is poignant and haunting, this song, and I often lose hope that I will ever not feel outside and apart rather than a part.
Transgender Remembrance day draws close…it is so ironic to me that this day is so close to Veteran’s Day…one honors all…and one simply remembers those who died, and yet how impossible to remember anyone you never really knew, and then back to business as usual and the murder/violence rate continues to grow.
Sometimes the worst is that there are so many days thruout the year that I feel so utterly distant and forlorn that it feels like being erased from a day by others…a metaphorical murder…
…and other days I in essence commit spiritual suicide, the way that the dysphoria and my own failure conspire together.
Then there is the irony of the term…”Remembrance Day”…
Not a day goes by that I have forgotten or even could forget.
A Song For Autumn Without Music
Could I leave the bright waves
and take to the blue skies?
Could I leave my cold skin
and sail into your eyes?
Is the moon high above
just reflecting to me
all the love that you hold
in your heart?
If the leaves on the trees
can turn red, yellow, gold
why can’t I find a heart
that will tenderly hold
my body, my spirit,
my mind and my soul
while the tale of my true
love is told?
Mount up! Mount up!
Take courage on the wind!
Lift your sails up like hands on the waters!
Rise up! Rise up!
Leave the surface behind
Let your bow of your ship carve the clouds on your way!
I will sail all the seas
I will follow the stars
I will listen behind the beauty
beyond what mars
And someday I shall come
to my sea-harbour home
I will finally rest
deep in you.
Yes I will finally rest
deep in you.
I Sit Where Edges Meet
Greys, silvers soft and tinged with gold
and washed out pinks bleed from my heart
as I sit on the dock and look out on the lake
in longing, in lingering longing.
I wash across the sky so blue,
soft blue, robin’s egg unbreakable
and endless in blue, endless in echo
of my longing soul, lingering.
lingering.
yeah, that’s me,
and always has been.
on the edges sitting,
living inside my longing
bleeding, rising, blossoming.
I cannot fly like birds
so instead I send me up up
tinging, coloring, rising
grey and silver and pink
against blue, and over blue too.
The edge of sky and land,
the edge of land and water,
the edge of water and sky,
it is at this nexus that I sit…I.
Without wings, without boats.
But I have my inner cello,
strings taut and tuned just so,
I have my song of greys and pinks
sprung from my silver bow.
So I will sit, here in this meeting
of sky and lake, land and song,
and play my tune across bright waters
that glow and glisten under skies
of blue tinged silver, shot with grey
and gleaming pink into the glowing night.
Hummingbird Hurricanes
all was hushed and quiet, so still
that the fiercely beaten air fanned by that
ruby throated hummingbird became a hurricane.
her breath was fast and furious
in crimson jeweled puffs darting,
diving streaky panting gasps,
her wings whirring, fluttering frantic
roaring in the looming silence,
in my towering still moment
me so quiet here, so settled and so solid
that Nia-gara Herself would whimper
and under her breath would mumble
terse and choked, reduced to churny tumble.
then a solitary cricket
just erupted into singing
and then nothing dared to stir
dared draw breath or dared to move…
and there,
in this space of cricket clamour,
in the hurricane of hummingbird winds blowing
but so far away on lost lamenting shores
(in the edges, in the edges)
and an instant comes, arrives
when a wave is born and rises up
no longer sea but now itself
and knowing time and longing
to emerge and run forever
to the moon and to the shore…
this kinetic stillness stretches
in this intersecting moment
touching time and touching timeless
from the whirring wings aflutter
and the cricket in the gutter
and Niagara’s jealous mutter
to this wave leapt up from clutter
hanging on that crucifix there
not yet broken by its futile try
to fly across the endless sky
to kiss the moon and touch
her golden placid face…
the moment…the wave
hanging
no more sea from which it heaved
but not yet broken and unbalanced,
not yet shattered on the edges
not yet fractured there forever
to be that wave again…
…never…
that one moment of moon passion
and that rushing exaltation
(in the eye, in the song, in the mutter of this matter)
and then the moment shatters
and foretells a falling future
and the wave loses its option
has no way to retain wholeness
and just slide back unobtrusive
to the silver sea unbroken
there to merge again with nothing
and unknowing.
and the hummingbird is stricken
in the sound and in the breaking
of a moment and a wave
in a hurricane of movement
midst the singing of the cricket
and the mutter of that falls
and it darts away, is gone,
trailing airy sangre breaths
and the cricket falls asleep
and Niagara is emboldened
to again assert Her tumble
and the hurricane is gone,
yes the moment it has broken
and the Voice of God has spoken
in the quiet, in the mist.
but for me, well moments still
string together into prayer beads
slipping smoothly thru my fingers
as I mutter like Niagara
and I sing the cricket song
with my hurricane-heart flutter,
wings a-beating with such longing
for another rising moment
to arrive and to break over me
in knowing soft moon passion
and a promise of redemption
and release to finally rise
and fly away, my spirit panting
in red puffs and exaltation
when I reach the shore so broken
I can be no more there broken…
until then, well I will live,
midst the whirring,
in the singing
thru the muttering
in the breaking
on the shores
of Golden Morning.
Beautiful King (Zephaniah 3:8-20, song from March 1992)
This song comes next here, for though I had written it a year earlier, I had not done it publicly, but rather worshiped it in private. You see, some men in our congregation, influential and controlling guys who ran the congregation, got very uncomfortable with my songs…they were either too tender, or too tough, or too sappy, or too sharp edged. Whatever.
It was very painful, and also confusing, for the sweet Holy Spirit would hover and draw so close, and when I did the songs with the downtrodden, they loved them!
So I had been holding out…but in the same meeting that Arise our God was played, this one was the song that led us upward again, and out of the trough of despondence and repentance and back to a place of hope and confidence in the Lord.
Later in the night (and after the obligatory drawing aside by the “leaders: to rebuke me for my over-emotional songs), Lady Grace drew near me, and as I cried myself to sleep She nestled over me and I knew that They were pleased, and that was enough. (I never could figure it out…why they criticized virtually every single thing…and yet continually asked me to lead worship. Go figure. I guess it is evidence of the verses in Psalm 27
“Teach me Your way, O Lord, And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies.
12 Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and such as breathe out violence.
13 I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
14 Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!”)…yeah…YES LORD.
PS: there are 7 lines in each verse on purpose lol!
All ye who weep with hearts that are broken, lift up your eyes to your King
All who desire Holy Devotion, Bow you down, and call on His Name.
And He will give to you purified lips.
And you will give to Him purified lives.
And He will remove from you dullness of heart.
Pour out your lives to Him,
Your Beautiful King.
Shout for Joy, Oh Ye Daughter of Zion! Shout in triumph, Oh Israel!
He has taken away all His judgements against you! And He dwells in your midst, let not your hands fall limp!
He sings over you in joy, mighty and tender!
Victorious Warrior, gaze on His Splendour!
He turns all your shame to song, He brings us together!
Pour out your live to Him…
Your Beautiful King.
Arise our God! (Ps 44: 23-26. A song from July 1993)
Constance…I truly think this: if you enjoy being in a good worship service, where there is freedom to sing and not a strict order to the service, but more a chorus oriented service, basically with the purpose of fostering devotion to God, then you would have loved being in a song service with me. For years, that was my “thing”…leading worship. And while I was deft in leading Sunday morning services, and setting the stage for the sermon and teaching, my forte was the Friday night devotional times, where there was one agenda…sing and worship the Lord freely and intimately.
These songs…oh wow…how they bring back times to me…I have tears right now as I remember this song, written during a time of intense trouble in our congregation as one of our leaders had fallen into deep trouble in ways I won’t even mention. But we were hurting. And that day I had been reading in Psalms, and the song erupted from me with tears…and oh how surprised I was as LG gave me the 2nd verse, and imparted to us a sense of mission, and determination to continue to follow, and press in.
Oh Dear Reader…if you have never been in a true worship situation, I am soo sorry to you. You deserve the chance to taste and see that the Lord is good and only good. I am so sorry that so many services are considered a success only if you leave more sour than you arrived, so many think that holiness is not holy if it isn’t severe and stark and flavorless. That is a lie, but unfortunately that heresy has taken control in so many churches and it ends up inoculating people against God instead of infecting them!
Anyway…Arise Our God
Why do You hide Your Face, and forget our affliction, our oppresion?
Our soul is bowed down to the dust! And so we cling to the ground.
Arise for our help, and redeem us! For Your mercy’s sake!
For Your mercy’s sake!
Chorus:
Arise our God!
Arise our God!
Arise our God!
Hear Your people cry!
As the purifying fire consumes all our stubble and ambition,
Our hearts will not turn back, for we have chosen the Flame,
The Cross, and Your Name, so redeem us! For Your mercy’s sake!
For Your mercy’s sake!
Chorus:
(intercessory prayer as Spirit leads)
A Love Song (May, 1981)
Wow, Constance…this journey I have been on the last several days, per LG’s exhortation to me to despise not my past, has been a mind blower…the things I have been thru…the growth, the reducing (both part of sanctification).
Don’t worry…I will get to some new poems I think, soon enough, but for now I am sorta sharing myself with myself, if that makes sense.
This song was written very shortly after my darling and I firmed up our wedding plans, and were officially engaged! I read the lyrics, remember the time, but I don’t remember writing this, though it is my hand in my notebook…but omfg, the rhymes so trite, the p.o.v. so young, so callow…Ah Lord…teach us to number our days! Honestly, I cannot even remember the melody of it.
Crappy song, true heart!!
The gentle touch you bring, like flowers in the spring
A twinkle in your eye, as we kiss ‘neath golden skies
These things are my love song…my simple love song to you.
I’ll sing in soft green meadowlands as we walk together hand in hand.
Yellow moon is the harmony–but you–you are the melody.
You’re beautiful, you’re the melody of my love song.
I’ve been given a priceless gift, your precious, gentle love.
A love that heals, and understands, how I thank the Powers above.
You’re more to me than just a lover true–with a love that never ends,
You’re my dearest darling–my companion–you’re simply my best friend.
Honey…
I’ll cherish you in gentleness, ‘n touch your brow with my soft caress
I’ll laugh three times, and laugh some more as I watch you and as I adore
The simple purity, the strength and dignity that is you.
What I’m trying to say in this stumbling way, is that
I love you, it’s true,
And I believe you love me too.
All My Days (April 1996, a song)
This song was written when I was in a very good place. I still remember the peace and comfort of Lady Grace (who was then to me, in my religious “formal” addressing of Her, The Holy Spirit. lol…imagine if someone called you “the” before your name…would be an obstacle to intimacy most likely, eh?), and how She was revealing to me the completeness and all surpassing nature of the work of the Cross…and the last words, spoken in triumph, and not in defeat or despair…It is finished.
So, I found this really flowy melody and the lyrics just jumped from me like birds to the air…I am certain that I was re-reading Song of Songs, as much of this is lifted from those verses…and again, people…read the heart of the scripture here…the Kisses of His mouth, etc, are speaking of spiritual intimacy…look deep: as if it were a poem! (you do look deep into poems…don’t you??? 🙂 )
All My Days
Jesus, I love You, my Lord and my King.
My heart beats for You, my love, my Everything!
Just a glance from You, a single touch, and I am captured evermore.
Then I hear You call “Rise Up, My Love”, and I come running to the One that I adore!
Chorus:
I will sing unto you, sing a new song to you,
for You are worthy of my praise!
I will give You glory, and I will give You honor,
I will love You all my days.
Here, in this moment, Your presence is so sweet.
You’ve overcome me, my tears of love wash Your feet.
All the deepest longings of my life, my portion and my great delight
are revealed in You, Beloved King, I bow down and worship You with all my might!
Chorus: (2x on the chorus)
Lord, as You pour out Your Spirit in this place,
Jesus, please remember that we long to see You face to Face.
Every mighty deed that You have done, for us in answer to our cry,
Cannot take Your place, for we want You, and nothing less and no one else can satisfy!
Chorus #2:
Not just the Living Water! Not just the Oil and Honey!
Lord none of these can satisfy!
Only knowing You, Lord! Only loving You, Lord!
Only this can satisfy!
Draw us after You Lord! Let us run with You, Lord!
We want the kisses of Your mouth!
Not just the things You do Lord, not just the gifts You give, Lord!
We must have You and only You!
(flow ad lib, and fade…segue into spontaneous singing and/or prayer)
He Cares (Song from Isaiah 43, 1988)
In 1985 I got very sick with a kidney disease called Nephritis. There was no cause that could be found, but there was a prognosis of immediate dialysis, followed by transplant at the first available organ.
For 9 months before this manifested on October the 4th, 1985, I had been getting a specific biblical reference virtually every morning during my prayer time. It was Lamentations chapter 3. This is a famous passage where the prophet Jeremiah is vicariously repenting to the Lord on behalf of the nation of Israel, and also lamenting his own personal hardship. The verses that stood out, as if in flames to me, were 12-13…
“He has bent His bow and set me up as a target for the arrow. He has caused the arrows of His quiver to pierce my kidneys…”
Of course they were a huge puzzle for me, and I delved into the chapter, and had fruitful study for months, but could not for the life of me figure out what was so significant about those fiery words…
So there I was, in the doctor’s office while they laid out my future for me, and by then, I knew the meaning of those words, in all their dread. I knew that this was some sort of trial/discipline/classroom/reproach/something that was from God, and only God would be able to help me. I had a deep certainty that I was going to survive this (and I was not very happy about that, to be frank. It was during this time that I tasted gun oil on a barrel, if you get my drift), and I decided before things got too far, that I was going to seek Them and beseech Them for mercy and see what happened…why it happened…what was happening.
I refused the options they laid out. The doctors told me I was crazy…but I didn’t care. When they asked me what I was planning, I simply told them the verses, what God had been putting in me for 9 months, and that this was something divine that had to be dealt with on that level. Of course they ridiculed me, sought to belittle and demean me for my stupidity.
It was rough to take. I knew how it looked…Jesus Freak outta his mind etc etc.
But I was firm in my understanding, and knew that anything else they did would be futile, so instead I sought help through natural means and prayer and repentance. I did intense research and found several herbs that had verifiable healing qualities for kidneys. I prayed a ton.
And I had to work during this time. I had no time off available, and my new wife and baby needed to eat, right? So I went out to my very physical job picking up trash in our town, and I slogged zombie-like through the days. I had a constant 101 degree fever. My muscles constantly ached like the worst flu you have had. I felt so sick, so full of toxins, and so absolutely alone.
Imagine the silence, after virtually everyday for 9 months there had been active voice in my spirit from Them.
Imagine the horror and lonely realization that I was literally dying, and I had chosen to either live or die by Their intervention, and They were not talking.
It was bleak…for real.
But in a few weeks, I began to hear stirrings, and eventually They established dialogue again with me, and then came weeks of gentle revelation to me of my own carnal dependence on religion, theology, and the word itself. They showed me that I basically worshiped the Bible instead of Them. I could quote the word 9 ways to Sunday, but I didn’t properly care for Their down-trodden and weak and lost sheep. I was self-righteous, boasting in my credentials, my position as a life-long christian, and my status as a “good person”. They showed me my dependence on my own abilities and gifts (which THEY gave me, btw), and finally, how I had put my trust in an ethic of law and right behaviour, instead of trusting Them in relationship, with an ethic coming from righteousness equaling right relationship with Them.
These revelations were in some ways more painful than the physical issues I was dealing with. OOooohhh my pride was sooo stinky and offended! But They were right…They always are.
There was no immediate relief, no instant healing after I got the message and began to pursue repentance…repentance: simply a changing of the mind resulting in traveling the opposite way you were traveling. Metanoia. But there was a coming along side, an empowering while I was so weak, to complete each day, everyday, and slowly but surely embrace the fellowship of His sufferings (sanctification and death to self)…until finally…the day this song was born.
I was working in a neighborhood in our town, and as I was picking up trash, I saw a young woman in her mid twenties come out of her house, and walk to her car. She had been weeping, and was bruised (literally). She was smoking a cigarette, and was somewhat unkempt. And above all, underneath the veneer of hurt, pain, sorrow, and slow hardening of her heart, I saw that she was incredibly beautiful. Now…I think what happened is that They gave me eyes to see her as They see her! And in that moment, the lyrics to the song came into my heart, and the melody out of my mouth, and basically I got the song in about 5 minutes. I quickly pulled around the block and jotted them down, finished the day, and went straight home to the guitar and firmed it up.
I went back to that house a few days later. I intended to sing that song to that woman…but the house was empty. Whatever violence that had occurred had flowered into its bitter and deadly fruit and no one was there any longer. I went back to my car and sat…and cried. I cried for her, for whoever hit her, for the sin and brokenness we were hemmed in by, and I prayed loud and without thought for how I appeared to others or what words I used or how spiritual I sounded or looked…and I begged Them to watch over her, draw her to Themselves, and other things as well.
The tears finally stopped, and I was ready to leave…and I heard Lady Grace speak to me, and She said that what I had just experienced was why They had pierced my kidneys with Their arrows…Their discipline had at last resulted in the good fruit They desired. She basically told me it was the first time I had ever prayed for someone else with a whole heart aware only of the person, and not of my own role as the spiritual champion, warrior, super-christian, etc. etc. And that I was incapable of hearing that song from Them previous to Their scouring and wounding stripes.
I will never, ever forget that…and the lesson of Their Faithfulness. “For I am confident of this very thing: that He who began a good work in you shall be faithful to complete it until the day of Jesus Christ!”
In light of my posts taking a very sharp prophetic stance against misogyny, I think it is timely that I found this song today in the annals of my past…“He Cares” (it is in waltz time in a country gospel style)…
Don’t let the world steal your beauty.
Don’t let the world take your joy.
When you’re too hurt to cry, and your spirit is so dry,
oh don’t let the world steal your beauty.
When you pass thru ferocious deep rivers,
when the water is chilly and cold,
Though the floods be so grey, you will not be swept away,
when you pass thru ferocious deep rivers.
Chorus:
Cause He cares, He cares.
Jesus cares for you.
He will gently lift you up. He will fill your empty cup,
Jesus cares for you.
Don’t let the world steal your victory.
Don’t be defeated by the pain.
When you’re wounded in the fight, when you can’t see any light,
oh don’t let the world steal your victory.
When you walk thru the lonely hot fires,
and dark flames of despair lick your soul.
Do not be concerned, for you will not be burned,
when you walk thru the lonely hot fires.
Chorus:
Bridge:
Do not call to mind what has happened before,
don’t ponder the things of the past.
I will make a broad roadway in the wilderness,
and rivers of life in your deserts.
What My hands hold, none can snatch away.
What I do, none can undo.
By My Blood and My Name, you are fee from all shame,
Oh! I LOVE you, come to Me!
Chorus:
Cause I care, I care!
My people, I care for you!
I will gently lift you up, I will fill your empty cup.
Oh My people I care for you!
Don’t let the world steal your beauty.
Don’t let the world take your joy.
He will gently lift you up…He will fill your empty cup,
So don’t let the world steal your beauty.
Open My Heart (October 1997, a song of desperation)
(Often I mistook the existential agony I was in due to feeling null, as a sinful and hard heart. I have always wanted God from my earliest memories…and have always felt so puny and wanting in His sight. Now, I have learned that what I was feeling mostly was the horror of dysphoria, and “not belonging” in either gender. But those feelings drove me to Them…I mean, when it gets down to it, where else was there for me to go??
Anyway, I am thankful for Their love, Their unending compassion and tender mercies…and above all for Their unending grace. They brought me thru the fires and floods)
Open my heart dear Lord,
Open my heart dear Lord.
For I am hungry Lord
for Your living Word.
But my heart is hard, oh Lord!
Tattered and Scarred, oh Lord!
Spirit please soften me,
let Your Love set me free, to love You in purity.
Capture my heart, dear Lord!
Capture my heart, dear Lord!
So when my race is run,
my heart would be found in Your Son!
Just one thing I desire,
the baptism of Your Fire!
Come set my heart aflame!
With passion for Jesus’ Name, forever Amen.
Like a Rose (Come Holy Ghost)…song for Mama from 1994
As you know if you read here regularly, I love to refer to the Holy Spirit as Mama…and back in the 1990s I started calling Her “Lady Grace”, based on the stories my baby was writing back then “Tales of the Blood King.”
I have always had a very deep interest in and affinity with Holy Spirit. As a child, I used to be scared of our orchards, because I was certain that I heard a “ghost” calling me to come out in the orchard and meet her. It frightened me because it was so unusual, not so much because I thought harm would come to me. When I tried to talk to my parents about it, they just laughed at me, and marveled at “the imagination on that kid!” Yeah, that sorta hurt…but why would they think or do otherwise? It certainly is not “normal”!
In college, thanks to my beloved Dearest Darling, I met Holy Spirit very personally face to face (in my heart of course…the literal face to face is still to come!). And since that time, She has been very present and with me…with the exception of last year in the autumn, when They strategically withdrew to break me out of dry dock, and launch me on a voyage.
This song was my attempt at conveying the beauty, the blessing, and the healing of Lady Grace’s presence. Whenever I played it, the reaction was dramatic…some people were transported into a deeper realm of devotion and union with God…and other people literally at times tried to stop me from playing it, to the point of threatening to kick me out of church if I persisted. I persisted…
Take a look for yourselves…and may you always find a door to open in your heart to Lady Grace, the most gentle and comforting and powerful of beings!!
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Like A Rose (Come Holy Ghost)
The fragrance of Your Presence here is all I need.
You fall on me like dew on thirsty ground.
You pour out golden oil on my hungry heart,
I will drink of heaven’s love come down.
Chorus #1:
Holy Spirit come (echo). Holy Spirit come (echo)
Come and pour the Wine of Father’s love.
Holy Spirit come (echo). Holy Spirit come (echo),
Come and fill our hearts with Love again.
The fire of Your Presence here is like a Rose,
You blossom in the dark night of my soul.
Your steadfast love surrounds me and You melt the snows,
And I am set aflame by First Love’s coal.
Chorus #2:
Holy Spirit Fall! (echo) Holy Spirit Fall! (echo)
Fall like Holy Fire from Father’s Throne.
Holy Spirit Fall! (echo) Holy Spirit Fall! (echo)
Come and set our hearts on fire again.
The Mountains of Myrrh (from Song of Solomon, 1992)
There is a tremendous subtext in Song of Solomon, or Song of Songs as some call it. Like so many other parts of scripture,
this book is like a rose, and peels back layers of meaning and potentiality as you dig deeper into it.
One level that it has always intrigued me on was the allegorical level,
where it is speaking with poetry and metaphor to talk about a rich and fruitful inner life of devotion.
In relationship with Jesus, I have always been feminine, and thus the parts about Him being the Bridegroom, and me the Bride made sense to me.
Language that could be interpreted as sexual in nature is very effective to describe
the kind of connection that I have been so blest to receive from Him.
This song, taken from the Song of Songs, was written at a peak, devotional time.
I will lay down in my Lover’s arms. I will lay down and open up my soul.
Draw me so close to Your heart, let me know Your sweet caresses,
My spirit yearns for You…and my heart burns for You…
I am lovesick with desire! Your kisses fill me with Your fire,
the fires of love for the Lover of my soul.
Chorus:
Draw me after You! Let me run with You!
Jesus, kiss me with the kisses of Your mouth.
I will go with You! Giving all to You!
You are altogether lovely, my God.
I will say yes when He comes for me. I will say yes, when He cries “Open for Me!”
Let us go out in the night to the mountains of myrrh,
I give my life to You, Lord I will die for You.
Jesus breathe upon my garden, so that my heart will never harden,
may the fruit please the Lover of my soul.
Chorus:
More Than I Have Known You (a song of desperate longing, 1995)
This song is from my life book, and specifically my life passage: Philippians 3:8-12 (do you have a life book and/or passage? Something to think on). I remember that the nights were getting worse…nearly unbearable, and my poor beloved who suffered beside me, holding me as I shook and trembled and cried and suffered in the dark.
I remember getting up around 2 AM one morning just a few weeks after the first of the year. The thought of enduring another year towered over me like King Kong over Faye Wray! Suicide was not an option, as it is so unfair to the ones left behind, and it is the ultimate self-oriented act…but going on was not an option either.
I longed to just simply “never-have-been”…because it was as if I wasn’t there anyway, and yet horribly and terribly aware and having being…rough.
I got out my guitar, and began to strum softly in my favorite chords, and just hum…and a lil melody bubbled up inside, and the chord changes manifested themselves to me, and then I spontaneously started singing these words…but I actually believe that Lady Grace sang them for me, for I was without mouth, without tongue, and screaming…
It got me thru. They are enough…always, always enough.
(I am crying as I recall, in total and complete gratefulness)
When my life is shaken in the storm,
You are there…and You draw me near You.
In Your Arms my heart is made secure,
as You kiss my tears and call me Your own.
Chorus:
I want to know You, I want to know You!
Deep in my heart, Lord…I want to know You!
I want to know You, I want to know You!
More than I have known you Lord…I want to know You.
When the dark night presses in on me,
You are there, You’re shining so brightly.
Then Your sweet love brings the dawn again,
and my heart is filled with only one cry…
Chorus
So I come and kneel at Calvary.
You are there, and You draw me near You.
Then Your Blood, Your River washes me,
Jesus, I surrender my life to You
Chorus
All The Angels Are Singing (Original Christmas Song circa 1994)
This is a song I wrote years and years ago…the girls were young, and in our family Christmas is a big deal…intentionally so. In fact, I think that any of you would love Christmas if you ever were to celebrate it with us. But that is a post for the holiday season. I ran across this song in my files I am slowly combing thru, and it made me remember when my girls and I were skipping thru the mall, in Nordstroms, I think! And we were singing it at the top of our lungs!
lololol!!
They were wearing Christmassy things, and I was doing my best with what I was allowed, in a velvet crimson vest with silver buttons embellished with lion’s heads. People stopped and stared, and then we heard applause in our wake…but us? We didn’t care, and skipped along caught up in the joy and wonder and excitement of The Hope of Glory making His appearance at last, in the flesh!
It is in waltz time, uptempo and rolls along like angels’ songs raining down! And if I recall correctly, I believe that the text I used was the wonderful Isaiah 9 passage, with some helper verses thrown in!
All the angels are singing,
They’re singing a heavenly song!
For unto us a Child is born,
Emmanuel is His Name!
Those who suffer in darkness
Shall walk in His marvelous light,
For He has shattered the covenant with death
Emmanuel is His Name!
Chorus:
Singing Glory to God
And on earth, peace, goodwill to men!
Glory, Glory to God in the Highest!
Glory to God in the Highest!
Glory to God in the Highest,
Glory to God!
The government rests on His shoulders
For He is Almighty God!
Wonderful Counselour, Prince of Peace
Emmanuel is His Name!
He’s the Everlasting Father,
The Dayspring from on High!
Arise, shine, for your Light is come,
Emmanuel is His Name!
Chorus:
Between the Porch and the Altar (Scripture song, 1992)
One thing I used to love to do is take a passage of scripture that got into my heart and took up haunting residence there, and turn it into a song. Often times, I tried to make these songs something that most people found current to their situation, or the situation of the body of believers at that time.
There is a creative art to first hearing the melody, and then to making words in English that fit the meaning of the passage with integrity.
Often, the end result was that there would be free singing at the end, and it was remarkable how often coherent, meaningful and very touching moments occurred with this, as the one with the impromptu song would sing, and the group would then echo call and response style.
This is one of those songs, taken from a highly prophetic and symbolic book, the book of Joel, and it is chapter 2:1-12)
Even now return to the Lord with weeping,
and rend your hearts and not your garments.
Come and sanctify the congregation,
and assemble the elders and gather the children
and the nursing babes…
and cry out to Him…
Let the Bridegroom rise from His holy mountain
Let the bride arise from her bridal chamber
Let the priests who pour out their lives before Him
Weep between the porch and the altar, crying,
“Spare Thy people Lord…
Show us mercy Lord…”
Bridge:
Oh God of mercy please hear our cry!
Do not forget our desperation!
Why should the nations mock “Where is your god?”
Oh Jesus, we cry out to You
Chorus:
Between the porch and the altar,
We consecrate our hearts!
Between the porch and the altar,
Pour Your love over us in the Beauties of Holiness!
Pour Your love over us in the Beauties of Holiness!
Lord, we come before You by Your LovingKindness,
And we seek You boldly in abundant Grace.
May Your Blood Atonement make us clean and holy,
For we long to see You face to Face
We are hungry Lord…
For our husband Lord…
And the King will sing to His chosen people
“I will send you grain, and new wine and oil.
I will pour My Spirit out in fullness,
And remove the stigma from My Bride
I will dwell with her…
In her very midst…”
Bridge & Chorus
Wasted For You (worship chorus 1995)
(Back in 1995, I was a full time worship leader for the body of believers that I was attending…the place where I taught, led, and tried best I could to serve. This is a chorus I wrote in those days, to try to indicate a total resolve to follow Jesus where He led, regardless of the cost or place.
Little did I know that the journey would lead here!! Honestly, back then if someone had told me the road would lead to a discovery that I was a transgender person, I would have thought they were crazy! See, I was like most people…I thought that being transgender meant being sexually interested in dressing as a woman and having homosexual activity with another man.
I was totally ignorant, but in my own “righteousness” and view of anyone different, I automatically assumed that A: they were “weird” and B: they were sinful. Oh, and of course I “loved” them…Hah!
SO much has changed, and Jesus and Grace did indeed take me up on my bold words. I never knew how much pain and wrenching would be involved in such a revelation as They brought…and I also could not even imagine the liberty and healing that has resulted.
The good fruits in me are wonderful, and they in essence build my trust, to issue another bold proclamation to surrender even more…and that is scary, because the last one was so difficult, that the thought of something else like that makes me quail!
But here is the truth: I would rather die running towards Them instead of running away.
I hope that the next phase involves opportunities to tell people about the real People I know…the real Father and Jesus and Mama…the tender and loving and humorous and creative and accepting and teaching and transforming Beings that They have been for me.
Constance…please, if you are not used to reading about God, or talking about who they are, or if you have past wounds, bad experiences or pollutions from people who took Their Name in vain, give what I have to say about Them a chance.
I assure you: if They accept the likes of me, they will accept anybody!!)
There’s a cry in my spirit, an unquenchable flame.
I’ve been captured by Jesus, and I will never be the same!
I’ve been branded forever. I’ve been cut to the core.
By the Lion of Judah, shaken by His Mighty Roar!
So I will spend every moment, and I will waste all my wealth,
Jesus, come break me open, and pour me out for Yourself.
For I have burned all my bridges. I’m past the point of no return…
Jesus, let me be, yielded totally, and wasted for You.
Descant: I want to be wasted for you Lord (repeat)
Watchman’s Duty (Song 1982, when I was trying to be scary and significant! lol)
Was walkin down an alleyway and darkness gathered round,
I spied a slicked down rebel and he looked me up and down.
He had the cut of one who’d slashed all ties with the old ways,
He looked at me like a rattlesnake appraising new found prey.
Suddenly he waved at me with something cold and black!
I turned around and I was face to face with a modern maniac!
His pistol whispered in my ear of burning funeral pyres,
And then he pulled the trigger! But the weapon didn’t fire!
Chorus:
I’m standin on the city wall and I see war at hand
It won’t be some forsaken spot, it’s here in our homeland.
I blow the trumpet’s warning loud, this moment you must seize!
Cus violence is like VD it’s a sociable disease!
The man, he stepped back with a laugh that didn’t reach his eyes.
He said he was just practicing for the coming dark’s demise.
He said “This life is war, and you will learn that war is Hell.”
To hear him talk you’d never guess that we was all livin so well.
“World War 2 has never stopped!” he cried in desperation.
“This so called peace you hide behind has just been intermission!” He said
“Shoot or be shot! Survival of the fittest, you ain’t got a choice!”
I might be wrong, but I think there was panic in his voice.
Chorus:
Then the man he walked away and left me on that street,
a vicarious participant in his desperate retreat.
I put aside all lesser things to face the alley’s mouth.
Somehow I knew it’d do no good to migrate further south.
Seven days went by before I saw that man again.
This time he was the newspaper’s hot front page specimen.
The headlines screamed into my eyes “MAN MURDERS SOCIALITE”
Then the column droned out horrors of that fateful night.
With loaded gun he’d followed a girl home from a restaurant.
Then he shoved her to the ground, his face twisted and gaunt!
He shot her in the back one time, she gave a piercing cry,
She sat up gasping–then she fell–in pain she bled and died!
I testified at the man’s trial to a room of fearful folk
I said “His act was one of hate–it’s time that you awoke!
And looked around, your affluence is but a dinosaur
Cus many here among us seem to think that life is war!”
Chorus:
And I’m standin on the city wall and I see war around me!
It ain’t in some forsaken spot, it’s here in my own family!
Battle lines are being drawn, you must prepare to fight,
For mercy, justice, love and truth…….
……or we’ll just fade into the night…….
(painting by Kristen Beck: please support her however you can!)
Grand Mall Seizure (from my “punk rock phase, 1982)
I was rambling thru the mall on the move to avoid them storefront snares.
Watchin people cruisin by me wearin those “as advertised” hypnotic stares.
Some of them looked like machines, and some of them were worn out by their Calvin Klein jeans
But me I just kept runnin from that sugar coated FM radio blair.
I fought thru hordes of folk who’d tear the shirt off your back over in Sears.
A bunch of bargain basement bounty hunters gibbering like a flock of auctioneers.
I saw a girl who looked like she was panicking, then I discovered that she was just a manikin!
A plastic Venus Fly Trap catchin human flies to feed her profiteers!
Chorus:
They were the victims of a Grand Mall Seizure!
Epileptic captives of a false scheme of leisure!
If you worship them golden gods of pleasure,
you gotta swallow your tongue and start doin’
The Grand Mall Seizure!
See that red faced man a-hustlin by moppin his forehead with his handkerchief?
He don’t know where he’s goin he’s just like a lemming leapin offa cliff!
That woman eatin chocolate Lady Fingers? She has forgotten she has value, not a memory lingers,
Of a time when humankind was more than micro-chip computer hieroglyph!
Can’t you see that you been mauled by them big boys up on Madison Avenue!!??
They pulled them alligator t-shirts over your eyes with their magical television voodoo.
You swallowed their bait hook line and sinker, and you been duped cus you refuse to BE A THINKER!
And you ain’t really in a mall at all, you’re in Consumer City Zoo!! And you’re the victim of a
Chorus
After The Rain by Bruce Cockburn
After The Rain
After the rain in the streets light flows like blood
I can just taste salt on the humid wind
Here comes that gasoline
Spreading hungry rainbow over shiny black tar
I’m blown like smoke and blind as wind
Except for when your love breaks in
Maybe to those who love is given sight
To pierce the wall of seeming night
And know it pure beyond all imagining
Engine throb street cruise light bullet car flash
Hollow beauty night gleam oily river tension glass
Ultraflame! Glittering dust falling in slow motion
Clouds tumbling one over another into apparent emptiness
It’s like a big fist breaking down my door
I never felt such a love before
Maybe to those who love it’s given to hear
Music too high for the human ear
And clear as hydrogen to go singing
By Bruce Cockburn
Charissa's Grace Notes 
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