What I Wish People Understood About Dysphoria…

…that this coming to terms is not a one time, one way journey that once arrived in destination full is done and there to be on vacation forever…

…it is a daily choice, a moment by moment meeting with sanity, with choosing life and not death…

it takes courage to continue when the feelings fail to follow through and you are left alone with nothing but your own resolve to live and not die, especially when all around you is declaring that you either are dead already or should have the good graces to lay down and stop moving.

people in my life get discouraged and frustrated with me because the next day is sometimes worse than the day before after 3 days of steadily increasing life and hope…

…i don’t think they really get it that my brain/body disconnect is a really big deal existentially and that it isolates me terribly, a stranger in a strange land…

“how shall we sing, sing the Lord’s song, in a foreign land?”

that is from the psalms, and it is also a lyric from Godspell…the first time I heard this song I cried for days.  Literally.

I am crying now.

Oh Mama…how long!!????!!!!

Arise our God! (Ps 44: 23-26. A song from July 1993)

Constance…I truly think this:  if you enjoy being in a good worship service, where there is freedom to sing and not a strict order to the service, but more a chorus oriented service, basically with the purpose of fostering devotion to God, then you would have loved being in a song service with me.  For years, that was my “thing”…leading worship.  And while I was deft in leading Sunday morning services, and setting the stage for the sermon and teaching, my forte was the Friday night devotional times, where there was one agenda…sing and worship the Lord freely and intimately.

These songs…oh wow…how they bring back times to me…I have tears right now as I remember this song, written during a time of intense trouble in our congregation as one of our leaders had fallen into deep trouble in ways I won’t even mention.  But we were hurting.  And that day I had been reading in Psalms, and the song erupted from me with tears…and oh how surprised I was as LG gave me the 2nd verse, and imparted to us a sense of mission, and determination to continue to follow, and press in.

Oh Dear Reader…if you have never been in a true worship situation, I am soo sorry to you.  You deserve the chance to taste and see that the Lord is good and only good.  I am so sorry that so many services are considered a success only if you leave more sour than you arrived, so many think that holiness is not holy if it isn’t severe and stark and flavorless.  That is a lie, but unfortunately that heresy has taken control in so many churches and it ends up inoculating people against God instead of infecting them!

Anyway…Arise Our God

Why do You hide Your Face, and forget our affliction, our oppresion?
Our soul is bowed down to the dust!  And so we cling to the ground.
Arise for our help, and redeem us!   For Your mercy’s sake!
For Your mercy’s sake!

Arise our God!
Arise our God!
Arise our God!
Hear Your people cry!

As the purifying fire consumes all our stubble and ambition,
Our hearts will not turn back, for we have chosen the Flame,
The Cross, and Your Name, so redeem us!  For Your mercy’s sake!
For Your mercy’s sake!


(intercessory prayer as Spirit leads)


Ode to Psalm 5

Give ear, sharp, perked up
Oh Lady Grace my Liege
to my words.

Consider my meditation.
Draw near, hover,
snuggle down over
my fear, pain,
anxious moments and
tossy topsy turvy turnings.

Hear my inner voice,
may it call true to You,
from mourning to morning,
may my soul learn to trust Thee.

For in the morning
will I direct my cries unto You,
and to you shall my inner eye
always gaze straight.