I am begging you all to read this.
It’s hard to describe what it feels like inside when I, who have never felt more present, more alive, more legitimate, hear that other people say that I have died, or that they consider me dead.
It’s a worse feeling than despair. It’s repudiation mixed with invalidation and poured over indifference and then shoved into my throat.
It’s at that point that the thoughts of making that statement true begin to assail and assault…like there is this feeling of well okay if that’s what they think then let’s just finally let it happen and in that congruence let them have a real comparison.
People say that suicide is the ultimate selfish act…maybe. Certainly this is something I have thought about a lot. But is it the ultimate selfish act?
What about the act of policing someone with the withdrawal of relationship and then acting like they are dead and they “betrayed”? Is that act selfish? Ultimate?
It sure feels like it is at least petulant and petty.
But hey, those are the feelings of a dead girl…and since I am considered dead what do they matter…and since I am considered dead why would anyone even notice when I am gone…right?
Yes…I am using absurdity to illustrate the absurd. But please: don’t tell me I should stick around and then punch me in the face of my tender hurting heart.