||Susan Sontag, As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh, Journals & Notebooks
Constance, this may be so? But I will tell you what is not “natural” to me…it is not natural to not speak. It is not natural to open the heart and tell of its deepest places, and then shut it again and starve someone. It is not natural to draw someone into a place of intimacy and then stone them. It is not natural to tell someone how towering their significance is in one’s life, and then allow an event of life to tower so greatly that they never talk to the other person of “significance” ever again.
It is not natural to take the secrets of someone’s openness and then harbor them if they are your own and then not respond in kind and thus hold that person in your debt.
It is not natural to make a person feel like they are a burden for breathing, a weight for wanting, a dead body for desiring.
There are people I miss so badly, that I guess it is not natural to be separated from the ones you love.
I wish this wasn’t so. I wish that I wasn’t some chore to check off a list. I wish I wasn’t some shade to whisper of around campfires. I wish I wasn’t judged dead because an understanding of who and what I am was in error and must die and be reborn in a truer way.
I wish I was treasured more than memory.
I wish someone wanted to talk to me everyday instead of toss some Alpo in the dish and disappear until my ribs show thru.
I wish…I wish.
I wish I could forget the words a man told me of undying friendship and what I meant to him and how he is changed forever because of me…because his actions tell the truth that his words lied.
I wish I could forget the words a woman said to me that are undermined by her actions like the ocean undermines a glacier until it falls into the sea and is melted and gone…
I wish I wasn’t me…but who then would I be? Who should I be?
Well…I will be the person I wish these others were, and strive to not be the person who is like them.
I will try to be there, always. I will try to speak, and then do and do with all I have.
I will try to make a life that is full and not hollow, present and not absent, flexible and changing as time births new understandings of history.
I will try to forgive and remember, but remember in redemption and grace.
Oh Mama help me…I am so hollow.
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