You have read here of my evolution and growth, and the reduction as well over the last year and a half since I began writing Grace Notes.
Odds are you have also seen articles and notes that I have posted that are designed to educate you regarding how mindsets influence action…but actions affect heart-sets…and heart-sets inform mindsets.
As you think in your heart, this is how you are…maybe not manifested right away, but it is just a matter of time before that comes out.
Transitioning gender is such a difficult passage. I am crossing over gulfs that are deemed uncrossable by the patriarchal paradigm of our day, breaking the binary rules that rule minds…and thus offending hearts that have as their central focus and idol what feeds them, sustains them.
Some people simply are repulsed by my transition and write me off in some form or fashion…crazed, demon possessed, or some other judgment of similar ilk, and some people are intrigued enough to draw near with open hearts and minds, and end up at the very least knowing me in a fuller and richer way (and some would say that is a bad thing, those who have judged me as the worst human being on the planet and hold me accountable for every wrong thing in their lives).
But some people would be destroyed by the knowledge of my gender struggles and subsequent journey. They would hold themselves responsible for my being the way I am, or simply close their minds so completely as to just be caught up in a whirl of panic, fear, and conviction that I am hellbound. For the rest of their days, there would be a blight cast and a shadow of failure on them (in their minds not mine).
This is the matrix that I consider when I choose who and how I am going to be out. Now please don’t misunderstand: I am publicly out, but not ostentatiously so. I have not yet chosen to come out to my 2 closest immediate family members, or my one closest in-law. In the case of my in-law, the odds are very heavy that there are only a few more years left here at most, and this person has lived a happy, productive and kind life and is proud of who I am/was in their history and experience. In the case of my own family members I see each of them so rarely that the news of my transition seems to me to be an unnecessary burden upon them.
I could be wrong…in each case there might be a pleasant surprise of acceptance…but I am not sure about it, and the potential for damage is far greater than the potential for blessing…
…and so silent I remain.
Well…it has become clear that someone intends to out me to these individuals, and all in the name of their own supposed pain and violation, all in the name of “helping others” who grapple with the transition of a loved one.
And it is impossible for me to describe the internal state that this prospect puts me in.
First of all, one of the quickest ways to induce suicide in a transgender person is to rob them of agency regarding who and what they are by outing them. This is a historical fact and I have posted a lot about that. Think of the woman who killed herself after Grantland Magazine outed her, just as one very public example.
But second of all, it feels at the core like such a vindictive thing, and full of spite…and worse yet, if I were to protest, well then I would be accused of doing the very thing that this outing will do to me. I will be accused of being a hypocrite, wearing a mask, living a lie, curtailing the rights and freedom of someone to share their story…etc. etc.
Your right to tell your story ends at the beginning of violating someone else.
Well…Constance, if you go to the beginning post, and make your way thru Grace Notes, you can decide whether or not I am living a lie…
…what I am living is a tragedy.
What I am determined is to be an agent of Redemption, Grace, and Mercy.
Carefully consider how you live…and in all things, be kind.
In sorrow, in hope,