On Outing Another Person


You have read here of my evolution and growth, and the reduction as well over the last year and a half since I began writing Grace Notes.

Odds are you have also seen articles and notes that I have posted that are designed to educate you regarding how mindsets influence action…but actions affect heart-sets…and heart-sets inform mindsets.

As you think in your heart, this is how you are…maybe not manifested right away, but it is just a matter of time before that comes out.

Transitioning gender is such a difficult passage.  I am crossing over gulfs that are deemed uncrossable by the patriarchal paradigm of our day, breaking the binary rules that rule minds…and thus offending hearts that have as their central focus and idol what feeds them, sustains them.

Some people simply are repulsed by my transition and write me off in some form or fashion…crazed, demon possessed, or some other judgment of similar ilk, and some people are intrigued enough to draw near with open hearts and minds, and end up at the very least knowing me in a fuller and richer way (and some would say that is a bad thing, those who have judged me as the worst human being on the planet and hold me accountable for every wrong thing in their lives).

But some people would be destroyed by the knowledge of my gender struggles and subsequent journey.  They would hold themselves responsible for my being the way I am, or simply close their minds so completely as to just be caught up in a whirl of panic, fear, and conviction that I am hellbound.  For the rest of their days, there would be a blight cast and a shadow of failure on them (in their minds not mine).

This is the matrix that I consider when I choose who and how I am going to be out.  Now please don’t misunderstand:  I am publicly out, but not ostentatiously so.  I have not yet chosen to come out to my 2 closest immediate family members, or my one closest in-law.  In the case of my in-law, the odds are very heavy that there are only a few more years left here at most, and this person has lived a happy, productive and kind life and is proud of who I am/was in their history and experience.  In the case of my own family members I see each of them so rarely that the news of my transition seems to me to be an unnecessary burden upon them.

I could be wrong…in each case there might be a pleasant surprise of acceptance…but I am not sure about it, and the potential for damage is far greater than the potential for blessing…

…and so silent I remain.

Well…it has become clear that someone intends to out me to these individuals, and all in the name of their own supposed pain and violation, all in the name of “helping others” who grapple with the transition of a loved one.

And it is impossible for me to describe the internal state that this prospect puts me in.

First of all, one of the quickest ways to induce suicide in a transgender person is to rob them of agency regarding who and what they are by outing them.  This is a historical fact and I have posted a lot about that.  Think of the woman who killed herself after Grantland Magazine outed her, just as one very public example.

But second of all, it feels at the core like such a vindictive thing, and full of spite…and worse yet, if I were to protest, well then I would be accused of doing the very thing that this outing will do to me.  I will be accused of being a hypocrite, wearing a mask, living a lie, curtailing the rights and freedom of someone to share their story…etc. etc.

Your right to tell your story ends at the beginning of violating someone else.

Well…Constance, if you go to the beginning post, and make your way thru Grace Notes, you can decide whether or not I am living a lie…

…what I am living is a tragedy.
What I am determined is to be an agent of Redemption, Grace, and Mercy.

Carefully consider how you live…and in all things, be kind.

In sorrow, in hope,

5 thoughts on “On Outing Another Person

  1. I hope this person has a change of heart, whoever they are. It always sickens me to hear of people who think stealing a person’s control and agency could be in any sense “for their own good”. Please hang in there though, whatever happens. You are such a beautiful and inspiring soul, I am not at all surprised that the Enemy likes to manipulate the occasional Judas to try and bring you down. ***hugs*** xxxxxxxx

    • Thanks my friend…and this person would be a Peter, rather than Judas.

      I have hopes in the long game…

      Interesting comparison, that one between Peter and Judas: the only difference is how they each chose to deal with the consequences of their betrayal…and my call is to respond as The Risen Lord did. Remember how He told the messengers to RUN and tell the disciples, and then added “and Peter”…special, cus He knew the pain of Peter, the fear…the way that being with Jesus forced Peter to either confront what was inside him or in his denial of Jesus deny himself.

      I will be taking no action, either to stop, or to lobby this person. I am powerless to influence this anyway…the fever has to play out and run its course, and I am putting all my eggs in the basket of love and forgiveness…

      …and as to my loved ones that I am outed to? Well, there are opportunities always, for Joy finds its way, and makes a place for Grace to find more to expand into and cover…and this is my strong Hope and complete path. Believe me, no one (and I mean no one) has considered this, thought about it, agonized over it and other things about it more than I have.

      I am mindful of your mention of the enemy of our souls, the enemy of souls everywhere in all eras…for that enemy has no soul and is consumed by pride and spite.

      Truly that is the one that works, and yet, I am mindful that the devil is God’s devil, and all he touches for evil turns to the gold of God for those that trust in the Intention and Power of the Graceful One.

      Thank you…thank you soo much, and as you pray, I ask that you would pray the Lord give me courage in Gethsemane to say with Him, not my will but Yours be done…after all, that is the genesis of my mission statement:

      Yielded Vessel yielding blessing.

      Much love,

  2. Oh, ‘Rissa! We need to talk! My mind is swirling right now with things I want to say. My gut reaction to your post is that this person is someone who has a close connection to you, or at least had one, and is lashing out. Okay, so there’s so much I want to say but as another blogging friend once said- I think there’s a post in this response.

    Yeah, I just scribbled a bunch of half-formed thoughts on both sides of a post-it. Definitely a post.

    For now, I’m going to settle with saying- it is never okay to out another person. Never. I don’t care who that person is or what you think they did to you.

    We need to talk.

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