inside, shrill, ringing and sounding tuneless and loud
never varying or rising or falling
and yet shrieking, screaming in horror
in terror of the tongues wagging
tongues slurring, and my heart
shrieking.
how can a shriek be, with no rising and falling,
doesn’t it usually sound like an ambulance
on the way to a 6 car pileup and bodies ejected?
no…this shriek is the ambulance on the way back in
with someone who will be called DOA
but arrival has not yet commenced
so it just tears and pours and roars and shrills
and spills and scratches and gouges
and shrieks.
god I wish it would stop.
Charissa's Grace Notes 
Hugs. Such pain.
Last night was an iffy thing
It felt like it. I know it’s hard. Hang on. Tides change all the time.
yes. unfortunately in those changing tides i feel like the shore itself, so that regardless of tide i am either exposed and dry or sloshed and slogged, but never entirely beach or entirely sea…and the sea looks on in befuddlement that I do not see I am sea, and the beach looks on in derision for being so changeable and here and there always in flux…
i am getting so weary of it.
i have read the words you wrote those days ago many times…i suppose they are sucked dry i have pulled so hard, trying to derive reason not to simply go. there is such sincerity in them that i have to believe there is truth, and yet that belief is based in pure will, the choice to believe, for i am not internally connected with the truth that i could mean anything to anyone except cause of pain, sorrow, anger, frustration, exasperation or derision.
if you hadn’t written that then, well…it’s been a pretty dry spell, with nothing but trial lately, and Mama VERY silent and distant for reasons of Her own that I ken not.
I know that heart and head don’t always listen to each other. As logical as something might sound and actually be is sometimes ignored by a feeling deep inside.
I think that you know that you do mean something positive and loving and awesome to some people (me included). You know that, right? Because I don’t say that to just anybody. Not anymore. We know that those other things that you think you cause (those not so nice things) are battling to take you over but we know that the great things about you are truly that good and that positive and so worth knowing.
Never underestimate the power of pure will. It is incredibly powerful.
I wrote the words that I did because I know they are true. it’s that simple. It’s hard to trust.
As far as Mama being distant and silent, well, she’s there. She’s watching. Of this I’m sure.
Thank you Sissa…Sissa. Such a powerful name, and you only sport it.
As to knowing…I head-know that what you say is your true and authentic passionate and true heart of me and for me. I do comprehend that. That redounds to your credit and speaks so well of your love…just as those few others who feel about me like you do.
But “knowing” know? Alas…this intimate acquaintance within myself of what you say I am and what I experience myself to be? Well, no…this knowing I lack, and the fault is all mine and the guilty party is me. There is no failure on your part to make it clear or to say it…and neither is there fault on those other dearly beloved souls in my life who get upset with me and angry with me over my failure to know know…
…in my analogy I guess I am frigid there, intercourse with anything not possible because I am locked up and legs clenched and fountain dry.
I am better than I was…but still the source of much irritation and exasperation in the very ones I long to bless and seek to.
So there is that…honest and where I am.
I get it. If you are speaking of loved ones who are exasperated or irritated, I hope you can see that they do love you and they are also going through their own journey.
I appreciate your honesty. You have given me so much insight and by sharing your truth with me, you’ve given me a much better idea of what is going on inside. It’s not easy to share that stuff and I value every word you say!
thank you Sissa…you are such a treasure
*hands to mouth*