what do I
do with all
the loss?
I never knew
the absence
of things
could weigh
so heavy,
could loom
so large.
“My baby!
Mom is so sorry.
I am so sorry
to make this decision.
My son!
I hope you to
meet great parents,
and I am very, very sorry .
I don’t deserve to say a word.
Sorry, sorry, and I love you my son.
Mom loves you more
than anything else.
I leave you here
because I don’t know
who your father is.
I used to
think about
something bad,
but I guess
this box is safer
for you.
That’s why
I decided
to leave you here.
My son,
Please forgive me.”
Sometimes I say the same things to my own children, but there is no answer, nothing but the wind whispering in the trees and memories that stain my heart red.
…but now? Even in the face of huge loss, no…especially in the face of these losses, this is never me anymore.
Thank God for HRT. Thank God for Their Word, affirming me in my existence and Their Love for me…
Thank God for my true friend and sister and safe place to fall (you know who you are…always)
No, this is not me anymore, thank God!
The other day I was marvelling
as I thought about Grace Kelly,
floating above the surface of the earth
with every step and every glance
and every smile.
She was timeless,
she was a rock and a river
all at the same time,
such redwood-tall poise
and ocean-depth intrigue.
She was full of herself
in the best of ways,
Grace.
And here I sit breathing
this same air she might have breathed
and wondering what chance in hell
I have if death actually managed
to pull her feet down to earth.
Nevertheless, I hop
each stride I take,
kicking one foot out and up
to step on that invisible riser
like Grace did…
and I try to walk like Grace Kelly,
on the air like Christ
on the waters.
“By far the hardest thing to come to terms with are the dreams that will either never be reality or have been permanently ripped from us. That is reality for us all. Time, that heartless beast, just doesn’t seem to care one bit about you or me or our desires and dreams. It relentlessly marches forward and takes us with it whether we go somewhat gracefully or dragged kicking and screaming.”
Source: So This is Forty-Something | Cage-Free Christian
This is my friend and litter-mate Jennifer Dickenson, pup from the same Mama El-Shaddai who has grown into a Big-Dog runner of fields who still has a Lil Dog snuggly heart.
I strongly recommend that you follow her…you won’t regret it!
after a storm the air
scrubbed and electric
and crackling with ancient
newness, fresh like a goddess
reborn in wonder and at home
moves across my face
and into my lungs
like eternity alive
and shouting
singingafter we clear the air
and our words sparkle
fresh, cracks highlighted
by tears like raindrops
offered in falling curtains
of feeling, of love, of joy
lingering slightly stained
crimson like liquid crystal heartsit’s then we see each other
again for the first time ever
and our hearts say hello you
while our eyes scream missed you so
and our voices twine again in song
like the sound of rivers
with the light of mountains
in the fresh forever air
in this fresh forever air
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