The Aggregate

There are blows in life.  Some of them are soft, lil love taps from beyond and they leave a red mark but you know it is gonna fade.  Others…well, they will leave bruises, and yet those mottled tattooes of violence and hurt are temporary too.

Some of them are so bad that they break parts of us off completely, and we have to heal and go on.

But the things I wanna talk about here are the ones that are so small, so tiny by comparison, and so constant.

I am talking about the aggregate effect of blows that come to people who are unable to heal from the last one by the time the next blow lands.
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And in general, this aggregation is not the same for a cis-het person as it is for a transgender person…dysphoria has a tendency to make the blows extra sticky.  In fact, I would say that the slings and arrows and attacks that we face as transgender people more closely resemble concussion syndrome than anything else:

…….each…..

….blow magnifies…..

…..EXPONENTIALLY….

and gets WORSE and WORSE…
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So you can end up pushed absolutely into the red zone, completely pegged out at your absolute capacity to endure the words and looks and spurnings of the majority of people you meet…and one small word lands and shakes things exponentially yet again…and poof…….

you are falling, having been pushed too far and you are over the edge.
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And that is when the desperation sets in…when you literally do not feel like going on anymore…when it doesn’t matter if you go on because no matter what there are always gonna be the ones poised to pounce and hurt…ready to throw your past into your face…ready to out you for their own purposes and without your permission.  And then they reason that “Hey, you are an out trans-woman so what is the big deal?”  Never recognizing that they have robbed you of your voice and your words to tell your own story in your own way.

I will confess that I choke on words when I reach out to someone in desperation, needing to talk with someone who would listen and understand and accept…and then hear their “counsel” back is “Charissa you shouldn’t talk about it so much.”

So…hold it in and die in the aggregated crush of burdens…or talk about it and be rebuked.

In times like these?  It is tough to see any good reason to keep ontumblr_nylx6zqH7U1usjcy3o1_1280

Used To Be Me…

…but now?  Even in the face of huge loss, no…especially in the face of these losses, this is never me anymore.

Thank God for HRT.  Thank God for Their Word, affirming me in my existence and Their Love for me…
Thank God for my true friend and sister and safe place to fall (you know who you are…always)

No, this is not me anymore, thank God!

That Monolithic Blue

yep…that’s it,
the monolith.
Hush! Shh, yeah,
I know I know
it’s beautiful,
yadda yadda yadda
cus blue and layers

it’s carved and worn
by wind and time
and it chips off
pieces of itself
that melt and feed

oceans, and then feed
cloud hopes, which become
streams, rivers, lakes
and again back
to become itself
once more
and monolithic blue
born anew.

but just stand
here, awhile with me,
where I am frozen
and caught in the glare
of its pressure and presence

and eventually
your face will grow numb
your toes will lose movement
and you will feel
the tempting tentative tickle
of its sinister frozen fingers

around your warm and tender
heart, so red,
so achingly red
and stark against
that monolithic blue.

What it means to “hold space” for people, plus eight tips on how to do it well – Heather Plett

What it means to “hold space” for people, plus eight tips on how to do it well – Heather Plett.

I am sharing this beautiful article here, for your own edification.

I am also proposing that this concept could be a very powerful and effective tool in assisting your friends and/or family who suffer from dysphoria…as you substitute that existential state in for the transition from life in this body into that which comes next, you can see how it could be very effective in helping create a space for them to discover how to be after an entire life of non-being and all of the emotional bad habits or destructive behaviors learned along the way simply just to survive.

I hope it is as meaningful to you as it was to me.

A visual to help you sympathize

Ever wonder why transgender people have dysphoria?  What’s the big deal, right?  So you feel like you are in the wrong body and you want to be in the right one, but know you can’t ever really be in the right one?  No problem, just suck it up, put it out of your mind, and carry on, right?  I mean, that is what everyone else does with the things that bother them so what’s the diff?

Well, check out the pic below…picture sitting in it, how it would feel…that is what it feels like to be gender dysphoric!  You are forced to sit on something you know will hurt you bad, and always cut.

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In light of this, be kind…please?  Just be kind.  Is that so hard?kindness-wave