Terribly Hard

I am terribly hard on myself.
Not just too hard.
Terrible.
Hard.tumblr_niy9cbPyuK1sbjyoko1_400I took
a bunch of selfies.
I deleted them.
It was easy.
Too bad I can’t
just delete
myself,
right?
Processed with VSCOcamOr…if
not myself
then those
things, each
of them, that
leer in me
lurk in me
rage in me
roar in me
hurt in me
haunt in me
fear in me
fall in me
scream in me
sigh in metumblr_niwvwsMNhV1r20af2o1_1280I could just
point, click, delete
and they would
be gone
o-ANXIETY-1-900But then again,
so would I.
Be Gone.

I told you
I am terribly
hard on myself.

Not just too hard.
Terrible.
Hard.tumblr_mws19657NM1t3vrj3o1_540

6 thoughts on “Terribly Hard

  1. How often I wish I could just ruthlessly edit the pains and shames of my past, but as you conclude, what would then actually be left of me? It is terribly hard indeed, but a necessary thing for us to accept that our pains and imperfections make us who we are as much as our positives (and they may even have helped shape and strengthen our positives).

    • *Charissa sits solemn, face still like stone…on the inside, she smiles secretly, for she is pleased and rewarded with her certain hope that Elli would A. Like the poem, and B. Comment with some depth and examination that gets to the true heart of my heart when she penned this…she decides to reveal some things to reward Elli in return*

      Elli…so I have been clear, and completely sincere in stating my gratitude for not only your kindness, but your gift of your true thoughts and precise mind which many do not like because of their own inner mental falsity and laziness…

      I am going to tell a bit about this poem as a sort of thank you. I hope that I am not inadvertently demeaning you by stating something that was obvi to you already!!

      First of all, this poem needs be read in light of Romans 7, esp the last few verses…it is that “self” to which I refer, not the ego, or even the redeemed self which is undergoing sanctification. No, it is the carnal self of the body of sin and death, the “I” that does what it does not want, and does not what it wants…the Pre-Romans 8 self. The carnal mind, of which Paul says this: “for the carnal mind is enmity with God”…

      …not AT enmity, or not IN enmity…it IS enmity! Its actual being is hatred of God. Period. That is the self I am being hard and terrible on.

      Secondly, the use of the word Terrible, and terribly is intended in the Older sense of the word that connoted far more than mere adversity or trial.

      Likewise “hard”…this word should be flavored and weighted in the mouth before you decide what I am saying…

      That phrase “a bunch of selfies” should be considered in a much broader context than phone cameras and narcissism.

      Then the stanza with the couplets…there are 5 couplets (grace), each alliterative, each of the 10 things expressing some of the horror and tragedy Paul captures in Romans 7.

      be gone…lower case the first time. Be Gone…upper case, declaritive of that self to be gone as Romans 8 outlines.

      And then I repeat the opening from this new place…Romans 8, where it means something entirely different…

      Blessings to you…and peace…Shalom in frosting swirls of God’s grace on the cake of you!!

  2. I loved this and your writings…messages many people around the world can relate to.You are truly gifted! I love the way you weave the words through.Wanted to thank you for your inspirational and lovely writings 🙂

    • I am truly blessed, and filled with that warm glow of feeling honored and blessed and humbled…
      …all at once. If you smile in your life where you are even half as much as the smile you brought to my heart,
      then those around you are blessed indeed.

      thanks for taking this journey with me, from death to Live and works to Grace

      Charissa ❤

    • Yes. thanks Dani…
      I actually laugh at times when I read this, cus it is funny, when seen thru Mama Lady Grace’s eyes…funny in that sorrowful yet joyful way when we see a small child wreck herself on a futile goal.

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