This Singular Grain

These musings, these poems…
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can I even call them that?  Poems?
Do they speak in pregnant words that

once swallowed go into labor
and convulse and contract
until they have birthed a living thing
within you
like a flame
that won’t go out no matter
how the winds blow…DSCN7014like a wolf, sleek and proud
until it is lassoed by some slaver
and thrown in a cage and starved
and forced to feed on its own howls
instead, 
and grows ever skinnier,
ever more vital and
there?

But here is another day,
and my head full 
of thoughts and fears
and feints and faints

and my heart singular
and immersed 
in Them,
Their Presence
with me

(this is what is called “faith”, actually
Their Presence everywhere…
faith is not 
some blind belief

like “it’s all good” or
“everything happens for a reason”
or “things teach you things until you learn things”)
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Yeah…They are here
and they are here too,
those thoughts

and those feelings
and more…

these questions
about meaning
and value
and purpose
and significance.
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When
I light a
bonfire of
branches and twigs too,
and I see the eager orange
hot tongues released from within
and licking those limbs and glowing
with their pleasure so hot and inviting,
I can hear the pop and crackle
of the disappearing of solidity,
the giving up of structure
in exchange for 
release
until all that is left
is ashes

and each branch, each twig
is indistinguishable and one at
last 
in its lost uniqueness.
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I hear the pop and crackle all around me
and I feel the heat and tug
of straining release and the
chill of ghostly whispers

that nothing matters,

and I wonder
why I
write,

why I
sing these
notes of Grace?
tumblr_n76owu13M41rktvico1_1280Swallow, wipe my tears

bind up my bleeding broken heart
and rise to the day
reminding myself

unless a grain of wheat 
fall into the ground
and die
it remains

alone

but if it dies
it produces much grain

it brings forth much fruit
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4 thoughts on “This Singular Grain

  1. Bringing the word vividly to life again. 🙂 I love how that closing paraphrase emphasises how the pain and doubt of the preceding verses is a necessary part of the process: the myriad deaths that enable your artistic seeds to bear such inspiring fruit.

    • Elli, true thank yous for actually looking deliberately at the craft, as well as how it flavors. I am blessed when those flourishes are seen, and my intricate heart can talk.

      The open obvious things are wrapping paper… But the hidden treasures are so much more precious.

  2. Death:

    “I can hear the pop and crackle
    of the disappearing of solidity,
    the giving up of structure
    in exchange forrelease
    until all that is left
    is ashes”

    to Life:

    “unless a grain of wheat
    fall into the ground
    and die
    it remains
    alone
    but if it dies
    it produces much grain
    it brings forth much fruit”

    Love how this came full circle.
    As we do.

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