In light of this nova-burst
I want to thank you for silver
I want to thank you for gold
I want to thank you for stardust
I am truly grateful that you would
check on me, earthbound here
and shackled by this self-gravity.
I really feel so awkward all the time
Cus I look for freedom as a voracious reader
of pages, of faces, of hearts
and suns gone nova.
Going Nova…
that explains perfectly how disconnected I feel
in my heart from all that while grasping
in my mind exactly what they are saying
and why they are saying it!
And feeling so goddamned guilty for even being…
always, feeling so goddamned guilty for even being.
Never ever had a choice in that, and untold time and tears
toiling in trying to be other…
Going Nova…
I guess that’s a choice I make inside my heart
as I float between me and those shimmery stars
that woo me so…
anyway I am trying to say sorry to you for something
but I don’t even know what it is or how to say it…
sorry…nova…for what I am, who I am?
Charissa, trying to survive this human experience
in a body and brain at constant odds…is that me and what I am?
I am a girl and have always been and have no need to prove that I am
(and couldn’t anyway, even if I did) God knows
patriarchal fists slam into me trying to beat the woman outta me,
feminist talons slash my skin trying to tear the woman offa me…
while my own nails I keep razor sharp and always ready to rip that male biology
right outta such dumb DNA that’s so much less than me.
Anything I say can be construed as lack of humility because
I never had a chance at solidarity in biological sisterhood with you
and remaining silent can be the height of arrogance because
it reeks of presumption and I am neither or both or all
(silent, arrogant, presumptuous)
I am Going Nova.
I try my best to be a tender soul, to be a gentle soul and do good
and bring honor to woman and women by how I live, how I draw close
to my God Who has been, is and always will be Mama…
the Wise, the Comforter, My Helper in this time of death
hiding behind Hosannas and Hail Caesars.
Please hear my heart, but if you don’t the fault is mine
in all my dark and clumsy lack, so let your eyes
do all the happy work of ears and see me in these words…
Going Nova on Palm Sunday
Charissa's Grace Notes 
You bring honour to women and the human race in general. Though don’t be surprised if quite a lot of them don’t see it or won’t admit it. 😦 God, however, sees your feminine heart and soul, and not the physical shell… though I sincerely hope he graces us both with the option to change our shells to something that closer reflects what lies within. I am just glad to be able to say this… How ridiculous our beliefs seem to the closed-minded and the coldly scientific, but St Paul did warn us we’d look like idots to such people. Then again, why do I even care?
Take heart, and thank you for sharing your beautiful words, sister. xxx
I approved this comment, and have been teary-eyed since and not able to type. I am just so overwhelmed by your words, both the kindness and also the wisdom, what with the notion of God has chosen the weak things of this world to shame the strong, and the foolish to shame the wise.
Thank you so much…you have been such a deep encouragement to me in ways that you know, and ways you don’t.
Much love and grace, Charissa
And you to me. 🙂 I see so much hate and arrogance in our myriad critics, even doled out in the name of kindness… and I have seen you respond to that with humility, honesty, and love. I only hope I can benefit from your example. x
*happytears*
❤
My dear Charissa,
As always, you teach and nuture me through your words and experiences. This poem is beautiful and sad all at once. My prayer for you is that, in less than a year from now, you and I will be talking and giggling and smiling and sharing all that has happened to bring you right to this point. Praying that each Palm Sunday/Easter continues to bring new life and hope and the banisment of others’ hate and misunderstanding.
I am SO sorry that I’ve been absent this week. All is well. You are never far from my thoughts and always in my heart. xo
Michelle
Haaaay you lil mama!! First off, don’t apologise for any thing that I do not call absence. I have felt your thoughts, and you have shared enough heart with me that it is like “wort” in beer making or “starter/mother” in sourdough bread making…it is always with me so that if I need to I can just read old emails and combine them with the lil notes you shoot out…and of course combine that with what I see of your days as I pray for you.
Take NOTE Friend: if you ever need to apologise for anything you will know straight from me! LOL!
Now I want to tell you this: you said to me once that I give you hope. Those simple words have kept me going thru many many dark and lonely nights, because I think of you, drawing hope, getting your second wind, and ready to unleash a lil mama torrent on the unsuspecting ones you swoop in onto armed only with a smile and determination biggern the Kansas Plains! Those words have given me reason, and I have drawn on them many times.
I am glad you dropped down into this poem…I am deeply encouraged that you do not fear my sadness or run from it, but that you are both cheerful enough and tough enough to look at it appraisingly, size it up for what it is, and stand by me sweaty shoulder to sweaty shoulder and let me know that when I get my breath, sadness is just another buttinski we will kick.
Big Mama mentioned to me early yesterday morning that the time between October and May is really a pretty big crysalis for me. When I emerge from this, if I do, *lil mama smirks in delight and knowing* well there will be a different creature there. Daily things fall away. Daily things that seemed so important just vanish right into the earth. Daily the things that remain grow stronger.
So just thanks…for friendship that is tangible and eternal and so f**king joyful!
PS: Since you brought up Palm Sunday/Easter, you might enjoy if you went back to right around when Lent started, or just clicked on the Lent or Easter tag…I have been intentioning poems this Lenten season, inspired by the Lutheran experience and liturgy. I have been seeking to espouse a “poetic of transition”…from the point of view of a transgender person as representative of the point of view of a human soul walking this Lenten Path thru life.
lil mama…please read the amazing comment left here by eleanor, and say blessings for her. I was in the desert and she brought me waters that make me thirst no more…<3 to you all, wonderful Constances, and lil mama special.
Charissa
Hope is a powerful word, right? I AM getting my second wind! Friends like you and my sweet hubs have brought me through to the other side. Sadness is a normal, human emotion – and hopefully, temporary, too. You sound even stronger and more hopeful than 4 months ago – imagine the milestones you’ll meet in the next 4. Love you!
“anyway I am trying to say sorry to you for something
but I don’t even know what it is or how to say it…
sorry…nova…for what I am, who I am?
Charissa, trying to survive this human experience
in a body and brain at constant odds…is that me and what I am?”
*tears*
SO much beauty here ❤
Thank you, my heart friend. How can I describe how it felt writing this one? Just so much all at once but peace over all