host to Host

Here in the morning mist and cold,
wet sand between my toes and gritty
beneath my knobby weak knees
I remember the beginnings of this moment
years ago and culminating in this now.

I woke then, to find my heart had been torn open
then ripped from my heaving chest in one harsh yank
and there were towels and pads all round me
there beneath those storm cloud words still ringing
“Clean yourself up and go outside and play!”Image 002Those long years ago I learned to cry silent and hide my tears
on the insides of my cheeks where they would run back down
to pool inside that empty place my heart used to be.
I wandered and found places that I could pour me out.
I don’t know what hurt more:  the emptiness pouring out
or the tears running down and drowning me.
So I lay me amidst the flowers in the green grass meadows
and there I learned to abide, endure, persist…and yearn.tumblr_nhr7ihIf1n1rnsb2oo1_1280But that was then, and here, now…these long years later
and miles down time’s trail, I stirred myself up from underneath
my soft warm blankets and hot-tea hand warmers
and threw on my big boots and coat.
But I left my cane behind…limps are irrelevant when we are on our knees,
Yes?tumblr_niozsiDmhG1rg59vvo1_500I walked down the old beach access road
but my achy empty core walked contrary,
backwards in time to take on shape and form,
becoming in the memories the who I should have been
instead of this hollow shipwrecked me here,
kneeling in this moment…
I dreamed of what never was,
I sang of what should have been.
tumblr_mtnr4td5YI1s24shdo1_500Then I arrived at the ocean’s edge and just in time
for on the edge of memory the urge to jump had become great.
And so I stood, and let my tears run down outside my cheeks
while waiting for the sun to walk its path
to stand on the edge of the horizon, and then to jump
into the sky and make its run once more across the void.tumblr_me6fkg32As1r37et1o1_500The sun, the sand, the sea…
and me…stood there where they met.
My eyes roved over the curved graceful backs
of the waves swimming in droves while songs abound
until they found that old wreck run aground
on rocks, foolhardy in its balderdashy heedless thrust
against the foghorn blast and lighthouse beacon.tumblr_ni6vxzfGYI1tw1yvro1_1280Still there, rusty, sodden, and yet not much the worse for wear.
Its familiar hollow hull echoing my own empty hollow chest.
My locked-up knees began to tire, and then at last give way
and that is how I got here, in the sand,
on my knees at last…and waiting.tumblr_n57bhbuFqm1qf9n3ao1_1280and in that place my heart should burn inside
at last I felt the rising of a voice, or was it the rising of a tide?
A fountain? A spring, welling up in supplication
as all my yearns found wing and from my lips they flew
into the heavens, past the marching sun insistent
to land at last safe there in Mama’s lap.

And now…now.
Kneeled here…I listen.
I listen for the Word
come down to take up residence
within my empty chest,
to become a presence Present,
to have become substantial substance
and I think maybe I can become
a host to the Host.

Regardless…kneeled here, I cast it all away to Her
and let myself diminish, grow less and become more.
And I am grateful for Her answer
in the graceful break of waves
and the ever rushing sound
of Her forever Kisstumblr_nioedv74sT1rn12zko1_1280

Small Joys

Clouds rolling in fast and full
like cows urgent for the barn
and the hands of release
tugging, pulling, granting
warm utter relief.

The tinny music of the stream
against the bottom of the tin pail
filling up and changing pitch
as the cats sing along in desire
and preen in anticipation.

My heart reaches skyward clutching,
wringing at those needful straining clouds.
It yanks and tugs, pulls at them, wishing for the rain
to tumble down tramble down
thunder down and shout drop by droptumblr_ni6f8wdYUD1u81ueio1_500

against the tin roof of the barn
gleaming in the deluge of release
and I snuggle in the straw warm,
nestled against my doggie musky wet
and groaning content in her doggie-dreams.

I close my eyes and listen for simple things:
I look inside my heart and hear the sound of an empty bookstore,
tinny music floating tentative round the stacks
and my feet quiet kitty feet scurrying twixt
tall towers of treasure, those leafy time machines.tumblr_mlj3xkyExX1rg5bsho1_1280I succumb to the incense of barn and cow and rain
mingled together under the hovering close grey clouds
so flocculant and soft around the edges (my heart, my heart)
and drift away on that raindrop-rapping raft of sound
while the purring cats stand guard with slitted happy eyes.

I dream of sitting on the back stoop at Grandma’s house,
listening to her twangy voice flat as West Texas
singing of sheaves and rejoicing and heaven’s starry shores.
I keep time with the potato peeler and peek inside to see her smile
and I think that I would like to never wake up

but just stay…right here…in the midst
of all these towering small joys.