host to Host

Here in the morning mist and cold,
wet sand between my toes and me
sand gritty ‘neath my knobby knees
I remember the beginnings
of this moment long years ago
and culminating in this now.

I woke then, to find my heart had
been torn open, then ripped from my
heaving chest in one harsh yank
and there were towels and pads all round
me there beneath those storm cloud words
still ringing

“Clean yourself up and go outside and play!”Image 002Those long years ago I learned
to cry silent and hide my tears
on the insides of my cheeks
where they would run back down
to pool
inside that empty place my heart
used to be.

I wandered and I found places
that I could pour me out…
I don’t know
what hurt more:  the emptiness
just pouring out
or all those tears…
running down and drowning me.

So I lay me amidst the flowers
in lush grass meadows green
and there
learned to abide, endure, persist…
and yearn.tumblr_nhr7ihIf1n1rnsb2oo1_1280But that was then, and here, now…these
long years later
and miles travelled
down time’s trail…I stirred myself up
from underneath
my soft blankets
and threw on my big boots and coat.

But I left my cane behind…limps are
irrelevant when we are down
on our knees,
Yes?tumblr_niozsiDmhG1rg59vvo1_500I walked the old beach access road
but my achy and empty core
walked contrary, backwards in time
to take on shape, substance and form,
becoming in the memories
the who I should have been back then
instead of this hollow
and shipwrecked me

kneeling in this moment…
and I dreamed of what never was,
and sang of all that should have been.
tumblr_mtnr4td5YI1s24shdo1_500Then I arrived at ocean’s edge
and just in time…because the wedge
of memory, the urge to jump
had become great. 
And so I stood
and let my tears run down the outside
of my cheeks
while waiting for
the sun to walk its path
to stand

on the far edge of the horizon

and then to jump
into the sky
and make its run
once more across
the void.tumblr_me6fkg32As1r37et1o1_500The sun, the sand, the sea

and me…

stood there where they met.

My eyes roved over the curved and graceful
of waves swimming in droves
while songs abound
until they found
that old wreck stubborn run aground
on rocks, foolhardy in its heedless
balderdashy thrust
the foghorn blast and lighthouse beacon.tumblr_ni6vxzfGYI1tw1yvro1_1280Still there, rusty, sodden, and yet
not much worse for wear…not much.

Its familiar hollow hull
echoed my own empty hollow
y locked up knees began
to tire, then give way at last…and

that is how I got here,
in the sand,
on my knees…
and waiting.tumblr_n57bhbuFqm1qf9n3ao1_1280and in that place my heart should burn
inside at last I felt the rising
of a voice
or was it something else?

the rising of a tide?
A fountain? No, a mountain? Mmm…
A spring

welling up in supplication
all my yearns found wing and from
my lips they flew
into the heavens,
beyond that marching willful sun 

to land at last safe
there in Mama’s lap.

And now…now.
Kneeled here…I listen.

I listen for the Word come down
to take up residence within
my empty chest, to become…yes
a presence Present, to have become
substantial substance and I think
maybe I can become a host

to the Host.

Regardless…kneeled here,
I cast it all away to Her
and let myself diminish, grow less

and become more.
And I am grateful for Her answer
in the graceful break of waves
and the ever rushing sound
of Her forever Kisstumblr_nioedv74sT1rn12zko1_1280

Small Joys

Clouds rolling in fast and full
like cows urgent for the barn
and the hands of release
tugging, pulling, granting
warm utter relief.

The tinny music of the stream
against the bottom of the tin pail
filling up and changing pitch
as the cats sing along in desire
and preen in anticipation.

My heart reaches skyward clutching,
wringing at those needful straining clouds.
It yanks and tugs, pulls at them, wishing for the rain
to tumble down tramble down
thunder down and shout drop by droptumblr_ni6f8wdYUD1u81ueio1_500

against the tin roof of the barn
gleaming in the deluge of release
and I snuggle in the straw warm,
nestled against my doggie musky wet
and groaning content in her doggie-dreams.

I close my eyes and listen for simple things:
I look inside my heart and hear the sound of an empty bookstore,
tinny music floating tentative round the stacks
and my feet quiet kitty feet scurrying twixt
tall towers of treasure, those leafy time machines.tumblr_mlj3xkyExX1rg5bsho1_1280I succumb to the incense of barn and cow and rain
mingled together under the hovering close grey clouds
so flocculant and soft around the edges (my heart, my heart)
and drift away on that raindrop-rapping raft of sound
while the purring cats stand guard with slitted happy eyes.

I dream of sitting on the back stoop at Grandma’s house,
listening to her twangy voice flat as West Texas
singing of sheaves and rejoicing and heaven’s starry shores.
I keep time with the potato peeler and peek inside to see her smile
and I think that I would like to never wake up

but just stay…right here…in the midst
of all these towering small joys.