Here in the morning mist and cold,
wet sand between my toes and me
sand gritty ‘neath my knobby knees
I remember the beginnings
of this moment long years ago
and culminating in this now.
I woke then, to find my heart had
been torn open, then ripped from my
heaving chest in one harsh yank
and there were towels and pads all round
me there beneath those storm cloud words
“Clean yourself up and go outside and play!”Those long years ago I learned
to cry silent and hide my tears
on the insides of my cheeks
where they would run back down to pool
inside that empty place my heart
used to be.
I wandered and I found places
that I could pour me out…I don’t know
what hurt more: the emptiness
just pouring out or all those tears…
running down and drowning me.
So I lay me amidst the flowers
in lush grass meadows green and there
learned to abide, endure, persist…
and yearn.But that was then, and here, now…these
long years later and miles travelled
down time’s trail…I stirred myself up
from underneath my soft blankets
and threw on my big boots and coat.
But I left my cane behind…limps are
irrelevant when we are down
on our knees,
Yes?I walked the old beach access road
but my achy and empty core
walked contrary, backwards in time
to take on shape, substance and form,
becoming in the memories
the who I should have been back then
instead of this hollow
and shipwrecked me
kneeling in this moment…
and I dreamed of what never was,
and sang of all that should have been.
Then I arrived at ocean’s edge
and just in time…because the wedge
of memory, the urge to jump
had become great. And so I stood
and let my tears run down the outside
of my cheeks while waiting for
the sun to walk its path to stand
on the far edge of the horizon
and then to jump
into the sky
and make its run
once more across
the void.The sun, the sand, the sea
stood there where they met.
My eyes roved over the curved and graceful
backs of waves swimming in droves
while songs abound until they found
that old wreck stubborn run aground
on rocks, foolhardy in its heedless
balderdashy thrust against
the foghorn blast and lighthouse beacon.Still there, rusty, sodden, and yet
not much worse for wear…not much.
Its familiar hollow hull
echoed my own empty hollow
chest…my locked up knees began
to tire, then give way at last…and
that is how I got here,
in the sand,
on my knees…
and waiting.and in that place my heart should burn
inside at last I felt the rising
of a voice or was it something else?
the rising of a tide?
A fountain? No, a mountain? Mmm…
welling up in supplication
all my yearns found wing and from
my lips they flew into the heavens,
beyond that marching willful sun
to land at last safe
there in Mama’s lap.
Kneeled here…I listen.
I listen for the Word come down
to take up residence within
my empty chest, to become…yes
a presence Present, to have become
substantial substance and I think
maybe I can become a host
to the Host.
I cast it all away to Her
and let myself diminish, grow less
and become more.
And I am grateful for Her answer
in the graceful break of waves
and the ever rushing sound
of Her forever Kiss