Constance, I know one of my biggest struggles in life is feeling like I should not be. Just…not be. And this has a whole list of corollaries that flow down from it, and one of the most serious is that I think I am tremendously ugly. Physically, I was told that I looked okay for a biological male, sometimes even being told I was good looking. But I never ever thought so…because that is not how I look to myself inside of me.
Inside of me? I am small, light boned, neat and petite. Not on the outside.
And now…as I transition, my looks are changing, getting better…but there is something else happening. There is something inside me that comes out when I am most completely unaware of myself and when it does it feels wonderful. And I am told that it is radiant and beautiful.
I still struggle with being. A lot. Especially during times of isolation and abandonment, because my quick relentless mind immediately fills that absence of people with reasons…”they are not here because you are ****, or ****”…fill in the blank, yeah? Stupid, or ugly, or unlovely, or a pain in the ass, or a bother…it doesn’t really matter because they are all accusations and they are toxic as arsenic.
This morning I saw this quote, written in French, and it expresses a thought that represents hope to me. If true beauty comes from within, and is based on a beautiful soul, then I have a shot at beauty, yes? Because Mama and Jesus and Father are the Architects of my soul and it is the desire of my heart to look like Them.
Now to learn to live in the long absences as one full who deserves to be…instead of as a homeless person who is a blight.
“Chacune de nous a besoin de se faire dire qu’elle est formidable ! La beauté d’une femme n’est pas dans ses vêtements, ni le joli minois qu’elle affiche ou la façon dont elle se coiffe. La beauté d’une femme doit être vue dans ses yeux parce qu’ils sont les portes de son coeur, là où l’amour réside. La beauté d’une femme n’est pas dans un grain de beauté bien placé sur le haut d’une lèvre. La vraie beauté d’une femme est réfléchie par son âme. L’amour qu’elle donne, la passion qu’elle démontre, les années qui passent l’embellissent.”