Trans* Women Are Not Drag Queens — Everyday Feminism

Trans* Women Are Not Drag Queens — Everyday Feminism.

Constance…yes, it is very early.  I cannot sleep.  Usually I am good until the dread 3 AM.  But tonight sleep is shy and skert of the potential I face for conflict today…

I am meeting with a person who has indicated that he has “great difficulty” with my choice to transition.

Think about that:  this is a person I see less than a half hour a day…a person that I run into infrequently in everyday life…and yet somehow knowing that I am transgender is a burden unbearable to him, and the choice to transition is anathema and repulsive to the point that he wants to meet with me, so he can…what?

Tell me I am a freak?  Tell me that I should not transition?  Tell me to just suck it up and tough it out?

What…does he really think he is more creative, more insistent than my own heart for the last 48 years???  That I have not said these things to me already…and worse?

How does his life change if I transition…and how does it change if I do not (which is too late, by the way…I am never going back.  It is Charissa Grace full and free or the grave)?

No…I think what he doesn’t like is that someone whom he knows and assumed many good things about is now acting in ways that are unexpected and unusual…and this is stretching him.  It is challenging his lil boxes and tightly drawn lines…it is forcing him to confront things without the luxury of being able to write off the source of the conflict as a monster or immoral pervert…for he knows I am not that.

I ran across this link again today…and I may have posted it once already.  No matter…it is a pretty good piece defining things well.  I ask that you please read the piece…

…and then give us the chance to be.  Please??

Charissa

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14 thoughts on “Trans* Women Are Not Drag Queens — Everyday Feminism

  1. I think you’re right about the man you are going to see, but you don’t have to explain anything to him if you don’t want to! Be strong and proud of who you are, not who peripheral people think you ought to be. Good luck, I fully hope he sees the hypocrisy of his ways. I’m sending you good thoughts!

  2. “No…I think what he doesn’t like is that someone whom he knows and assumed many good things about is now acting in ways that are unexpected and unusual…and this is stretching him. It is challenging his lil boxes and tightly drawn lines…it is forcing him to confront things without the luxury of being able to write off the source of the conflict as a monster or immoral pervert…for he knows I am not that.”

    Ding Ding.
    His issue.
    Not yours.

    ❤ you.

  3. “No…I think what he doesn’t like is that someone whom he knows and assumed many good things about is now acting in ways that are unexpected and unusual…and this is stretching him. It is challenging his lil boxes and tightly drawn lines…it is forcing him to confront things without the luxury of being able to write off the source of the conflict as a monster or immoral pervert…for he knows I am not that.”

    Eavesdropping on my conversation with my mother today? I broke her family by having a transgender child.

    • Kat, is that what she said to you? Gawd it is so tragic what some people will do to scape goat others for their own issues…I certainly felt the man today blaming me for things that were his own choice to struggle with.

      I want to hear more about your interactions…

      • When I try to explain to her what the continued lack of “everything” coming from my siblings does to all of us (my kids, me), she always throws that out at me– this family is broken, she has no family, she can’t do anything about it…

        • *Charissa throws up her hands in disgust*

          God, the passive-aggressiveness of that. Well, Kat…clearly you are now like Alexander Solzhenitsyn, who was tormented by a commandant to the point that the commandant took his last possession, a first edition book. Solzhenitsyn then cried all night long, thinking the world would end…but when morning came, he was empty, drained and set free.

          He had lost everything, and thus the commandant had lost his power over him. Solzhenitsyn went to the commandant and thanked him…which angered the commandant greatly, for he cared more about his power than anything else.

          But it was true…Solzhenitsyn was finally free…

          I think that you are in this situation. Your mom is like that commandant, and unwittingly is holding this over your head, and blaming you for what is in actual fact the reaping of the harvest of what she sowed into her family, and it is being revealed in a hard trial as not much. This is unbearable for her.

          So rather than look at herself, she scapegoats you. If only you and yours had not been a part of this crisis that you never chose or asked for, by the way, then she would be safe still, ensconced in her safe world of illusions and outer politeness.

          You and I are now in the same boat, at the same crossroad: the approval of people who will never truly approve of me anyway. I saw Heather yesterday, and she helped me to see that I can choose how and what I want.

          And I have chosen: I am not going thru another experience like yesterday…I am going to cut straight to the judgement part, because that is where we ended up at in spite of 4 hours of me verbally tying this hapless mind in knots. If he wants the blessing of my life in his, he will ask.

          Until then, I am going to forego the plague of his judgement in mine. To me, you have been set free. If you continue your battle, it is because you want to, choose to, and thus is an opportunity and occasion to express your joy in loving. And if you choose to give up trying to create something in someone else that only they can give themselves, then you have a lifetime to live now, free and creative and fully devoted to seeing Kris completely away from all danger and free to fly.

          We are on a continuum, you and me…let us continue to encourage each other, support each other, and love each other.

          Thankful for you always, and much love,
          Charissa

  4. Charissa (((((((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))))) as someone who is fixin to transition your post really struck a chord in me. (((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))) thank you for writing ir! i am soo grateful!

    • you are welcome…however, I am not getting ready to, I have already begun and am well on the way.

      I will write more on these subjects soon, but right now my silence is part of the cost of transition, along with job loss, ostracization and social othering…but hey, the dysphoria is fading!

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