Feeling Very Tender

Hi Constance…had a great day yesterday!  What a wonderful way to close out a very challenging week.

I ended up surfing the wave of the surfboard of sisterhood and prayer.  And that is a literal fact.

I have allus had prayer…I have never had anyone else…there.  My darling and her prayers are most likely the umbilical chord between me and staying alive…but it was too easy to rationalize her involvement with explanations that devalued her and demeaned me…

…no, this was different.  I put out my cry to some of my sisters and even though we have been friends a relatively short time?  We are friends!  And you are friends as much in the instant that bond is birthed as you are 20 years later!  Just like being married…6 days or 6 years or 60 years…in each case, you are still married.

Anyway, being on that wave of overcoming, rejoicing in God and in my friends’ love, I went to a volunteer event last night in my town…faced down a lot of people who “know” who I used to be, and haven’t seen me a long while…and was amazed at how many didn’t recognize me now, who received me as who I am becoming!!  I was also amazed at how the ones who did recognize me, and give me that look? And how inside myself, I was unshaken and unafraid…the old phrase “naked and unashamed” comes to mind.

I made new connections with people that would have been impossible to make before…and was so thrilled that as we walked home in the warm velvet of midnight I sang “I could have danced all night” at the top of my voice and whirled thru the sleepy streets…and no, no dogs howled thank you very much!  I wasn’t loud…just…um…free!  giggles

Then couldn’t sleep…woke early and was weary and had that adrenaline hangover sort of feel…

…and then did some writing that was the hardest I have done…and cried…and then pushed that button…

…I don’t regret it?  But wowsa am I questioning what a cluster of dumb-assery that was, or wasn’t…

anyway, another thing is:  today I am coming out to the 2nd male that knows about me outside of our children…and this man I work with, and have been a mentor and teacher to in many things…I think it will go ok?  Cus my name is tender in his mouth?  But still…

…well as I said, I am feeling very tender.

thanks sisters
thanks friends
thanks Mama!

love, Charissa

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