Constance…I am finally ready to write about love and sex.
Yep…if you are offended by the mere mention of such things, you should probably skip this post. I knew a lot of christian folk who actually thought sex was a nuisance at best, and dangerously distasteful at worst. Somehow, someway, one of the most incredible processes They created, if not THE most incredible act of all time, became “dirty”, “shameful”, and downright distracting.
Here is a pretty accurate rod of discernment: if something is simultaneously hated and feared and attacked by christians in general while being venerated, exaggerated and obsessed with by the world at large, the odds are very good that we are seeing the polluting of something originally designed to be a high and awesome thing.
Now…I want to be totally clear: I do firmly believe that the highest and best expression of sexual union is in a monogamous relationship where the partners are committed for life. I truly believe that when two people make love, there is a transaction emotionally, mentally, and spiritually that melds them together in some unique and irreproducible way. There is a joining, a union that is one that should make us feel a hushed awe that such a thing could occur: that I am still in a separate and distinct body from my beloved, and yet something of her somehow someway has melded in me!! I also believe that They created sex for far more than mere procreation. There are deep and mystical truths that await the lovers who commit to travelling down Love’s Road of Sacrifice. They made it pleasant, fun, enjoyable. They hooked up our brain chemistry to change in reaction to sexual activity, they hooked up our hearts to immediately think love in association with sex. I do not believe it is sinful to talk of sex anymore than it is to talk of cows: the sinfulness enters in through how we talk about either thing.
Growing up, of course I experienced sexual feelings, although they were sometimes pretty confusing for me, and I even had a few girlfriends with whom I was physical and made out…didn’t go “all the way”, but too far down the way, in hindsight. But I was by no means a sex-driven person, and I was flummoxed in the locker room listening to the guys talk about sex in ways that I didn’t even know of, let alone enter my mind!
I met my darling, and I was so incredibly blessed to find a genuine lover of God who matched up with the principles I held. We married, and our marriage was a wonderland for us each. We were hungry for one another with love’s appetite, and sexuality was like our spoon to feed each other. I cannot recall even one time when either of us denied the other if they needed the release, the comfort, or just the very humorous amazing wonder that making love is!
During the time we were growing up, sexuality and its expression in our culture changed dramatically. There were a lot of oppressions, a lot of things wrong, and in the effort to get free of those things, things got unmoored…and drifted out to sea…until, we are where we are now.
(Remember Constance, this is not a rant against sex! lol)
Venereal diseases are on the rise, and harder to cure. Unwanted pregnancies result in brokenness and or death. Hearts, spirits and psyches are fractured regularly.
And now…young people don’t even have the thrill of dating anymore, but instead “hook-up”.
Porn is virtually everywhere (I actually literally mean virtually). Any of you could stop reading here, go to google, type one word and BAM! Whatever you would imagine is most likely just a click away. It’s so different than a generation ago, when there was little accessibility and virtually no anonymity.
Throw in all the issues of becoming as a human being, growing up and developing, wrestling with our separation and alienation bred by the brokenness of this world, throw in gender issues, or existential issues, or grudges against God due to the foolish and hateful activity of people taking the Father’s good Name in vain…and you have a real witches brew which is such a draught as to poison anyone.
we might reach a tipping point the other way. Let me explain.
When I was in college, I worked in the KMART deli, and scooped ice cream. I was allowed to eat as much as I wanted. And after about 10 days, I did not eat ice cream until I had been away from that job a good 2 months!! It was so common, so pervasive, that I was hungry for something different!
I am hoping that something similar would happen to us culturally. How many different pictures can there be of a woman’s body, of a man’s body, and of the finite number of ways those biological organisms can combine? Surely it gets boring eventually? Surely there is the cry rising in the heart, “There must be MORE than this!”? Surely there is an acknowledgement of the increasingly fractured essence we see in so many these days?
Constance, I would gently propose that even some of you have wounds, scars and terrible memories and burdens that were a result of sexual experience that was not of the highest and best?
But here is one of the core things I wanted to get to: as my transition progresses, my libido has fallen way off, and I want to tell you: it has not made one bit of difference in our relationship! We were soo fortunate in that our foundation was first, last, and always love. I feel a closeness and intimacy and adoration for my baby such as I have never known could go so deep, and climb so high.
It is as if the very best aspects of sexuality have been distilled down and filtered out, and we can drink the “essence of Union”.
If either of us wanted, we would do our dead level best to satisfy the other…but we are both deeply contented and flourishing in love.
The message in the culture these days is that this is a state of affairs which ought to be corrected! If you aren’t having sex and lots of it all the time you just ain’t with it, according to that message. And if you are like me…sob…you are to be pitied deeply! “Poor thing! Get some Viagra, some Cialis …get a new car and new clothes and a new sexual partner!”
I rejoice that I have been given such a tremendous gift…the most amazing person anyone could want…and also the gift of my gender sorting taking place in a context completely free of sexuality or sexual desire. It lends a clarity and depth of insight which would otherwise be covered up.
Here is a gentle nudge: clear your mind and heart of the constant clamoring regarding sex. Once clear, set it on higher things, like love, joy patience, peace and pursue serving some other person with your life, with no expectation or requirement of payment.
You will be amazed at how things change…
With tender care and love,