Many Colors and Hues

Deep and throbbing,
desire and aspiration pull hard
like malamutes in downy snow,
dragging my aim forward
and my resolve further
and my will shouts GEE!  HAW!

I have one brush,
but many colors,
many shades
(and hues).
To mark out,
to inscribe and convey
some tenor and melody
and picture with one brush.

Inner riots come under orders,
bevel together in harmony,
and find floral voice through my brush,
and I find my tongue and
speak rainbows, prisms,
and ever always of
the Grand Banquet and celebration…
here the rainbow swirls
out, and back,
and delivers on its Promise.

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Submission Update:

OMFG…leave it to my ditzy self to submit to a publication that is currently not publishing poetry!!!

LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!

But the editor who responded was soo nice and encouraging, and said she thought my poems were beautiful, and if they began to publish poetry I would be the first one to know!

So that made me happy, knowing that they didn’t think my poems are lousy!

Thanks Georgia!!!!

Her Mercy Womb

All the relentless blows,
the pains, the wounds.
All the mummy-wrap wadded and
shoved roughshod down my throat
and through my heart…
The searing letdowns,
the cold denials of
heaving and wrenching begging.
Burdens allowed to pile up,
build up, bury me
in desperation and despair.
And silences…towering,
looming, lurking, leering,
mocking, unlistening…
All of these things
were horror to me…
But to Mama,
they were the womb that She wove
to carry me full,
carry me careful,
pregnant with me,
Her Daughter,
Her Offspring of Grace

Charissa

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My Daughters

Since I wrote the posts this morning, I have been thinking about my daughters.

They are both in their 20s, and are extremely close to one another, in an amazing and very healthy way.  And they are among the extraordinarily small cadre that I would consider friends.

See, they have always trusted me, listened to me and enjoyed being together with me.  Back in their younger days, I was their Daddy, tall and strong and knowing everything.  Whatever I told them they received as simply true and settled.  Words cannot begin to describe how deeply ministering they were (and are) to my longing heart.  They trusted me when I did everything I could to bequeath to them the gift of their relationship with one another.

Many siblings are not actually close…I know that in my own case, I am cordial with mine, but not at all close.  They both resented me when we were high school age because I had decided to play the role of “the good child” and do well in school, good in sports, etc…whereas they each pushed back at things more than I did.  Thus they were close and I was on the outside far more.  And of course the whole gender dysphoria complicated things greatly.

But my girls…close companions and dedicated sisters who actively have been there for each other since the very beginning.  The love and affection they have for each other breaks me inside with Joy.  The openness towards me and their mother too…we have talked since I came out to them, and they recount so much of what I taught them that they now recognize was me, Charissa, speaking from inside the shell of unknowing.

They are so alike, and so different!  They are alike in how they are each highly intelligent and very talented women!  Strong personalities and will, good organizers and administrators, committed to authentic living and relationship.  They are very beautiful, but do not fawn over things, having sussed out the ways that the culture seeks to police and other them with fashion and diminish them as human beings because they are female.  They are each true to their word, and would lay down their lives unhesitatingly for anyone to whom they have chosen to be committed to.

My oldest daughter is so feisty, so fiery and aware of ideas and the importance of thought patterns.  She is quick and fluid to react emotionally, but also quick to allow wisdom and counsel to guide her and temper her initial reactions.  She keeps confidences like they are sacred, to her own suffering and detriment.  If she thinks you are wrong, she will oppose you because she truly believes that is the loving thing to do, deliver you from error.  She already was a fierce advocate for human rights and specifically women’s rights and LGTB rights…and since she has known of me she has sought to educate herself on all aspects of gender so as to be an even better friend and daughter and supporter than she already was.  She is like fire to me, keeping me warm and being a source of encouragement to me.

My youngest daughter is equally smart, aware, committed and forthright.  But her personality is so different.  She is like water to me, when I perish and am parched, or am dirty and need washing from my anxieties, fears, hurts and burdens.  She has been such a help and a facilitator for me, and her strength and confidence has been a big enabler for me to keep on and never give up.

*edited*

*edited*

To not be on my own…to be loved and accepted…things that so many take for granted as their birthright, and to transgender people things that are exceedingly rare and precious…thanks to my beloved (of course), but even more…

 

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Updates and Editing: Carapace is better, I think

Poetry writing is such an organic process for me.  Sometimes I get an image…sometimes I overhear a conversation.  Sometimes there is a feeling or longing or breaking within that can only be addressed with a poem.

Usually, I write them, and then leave them be.  Poems are far more impressionistic for me than some epic statement or magnum opus.  They are less a detailed work and more a capturing of that moment or issue and how it was hitting me at the time…the poem is essentially the nexus of my soul with whatever has hit me.

But once in awhile…I will edit…a lot!  Usually, when I read it out loud to myself, I can hear things that eluded my grasp in the capturing.  Very often there is a rhythm that I had been writing in without realizing.  So I begin to become intentional about that.  Changing words, moving them in the line or to a different line entirely.  Changing tenses…and it amazes me how sometimes this makes the poem far better, and sometimes it is like with a dish in the kitchen…ya gotta know when to just let it be and serve it!  Giggle.

A couple of my poems that I have edited recently are “Carapace” and “My Heart Dares“.  I think each one is far stronger, far more integrated and cohesive.  Carapace is done…but My Heart Dares I am going to hone a bit more I think.

Anyway, I wanted to note the editing, and if you are interested, you can see if you agree that they are better, or if you say CHARISSA…git yer butt outta the kitchen NOW!  LOL!

Excited and nervous

So…….yesterday I submitted some poetry to a magazine that I respect.  It is published by my 2 daughters’ close friend from Jr. High and High School.  They were telling me about K****, and her husband who had started up this publication, and it was getting lots of well deserved props!

But I didn’t submit there for that reason, the girls and their friend…I submitted because when I looked at the magazine I thought it was so cutting edge and much needed for some huge lacks in our modern and sterile culture.  It resonated with my values, principles, and philosophies.  It is clean and laid out so artistically and it’s esthetically pleasing too.

In reading the articles and thinking, I resonated deeply with their call to community and family and spiritual approaches to living.  I identified with the commitment to “good art” and an aesthetic that was committed to beauty and truth.  In short, I felt the same way inside me when I read it as I do when I am creating a poem!

So, I decided to submit.  I sent in What is Grey?and If I Could Go Back...”and Merry Christmasand Come Sit With Me.

The spirit of What is Grey fits in well with what I read, and If I Could Go Back…tries to capture the essence of friendship and love and community.

After I did it, I started to get anxious and stressed.  I had to say a bit about myself, and for now, besides here in this blog, I am only out to immediate family, my counselour Heather and my Naturopaths.  So I called one of my daughters and talked with her and she encouraged me a lot by telling me that her friend has expressed to her a deep desire to be of assistance to the LGTB community, and specifically to transgender people!  Imagine my delight and instant hope!

And then, last night, negativity pulled me deep, and I had to laugh, because before I submitted, I considered those 4 poems solid…and after?  Worst. Poems. In. The. World!!!!!!