But I think I have been receiving some insight, some instruction, and I think that I have been given the faith to insist that
THIS. EXISTENCE. IS. NOT. A. DEAD-END!!
NO!! I think we can blow that back wall apart with joy and kindness and mercy and surrender. Like water we can flow around, over, through, until that hated mortar dissolves and the walls do the Jericho dance!
“I think the saddest people always try to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anybody else to feel like that.”
(Source: Tumblr – blissfulxparadise)
This. This. This is exactly what i wanted to say to people or friends who just laughed when I told them I was depressed. They laughed because they thought it was not possible for me to be depressed because I was always there to make them happy, make everyone laugh, make their day, and help then every time I could. They laughed because they often see me smile and laugh. What they don’t know is that at night, when I am alone, I am a different person. I am the saddest being you would ever see. As ladies remove their makeup before sleep, I remove the smile that I painted earlier in the morning. I know how it feels to be miserable and underappreciated… I don’t want anyone to feel that way… That is why I try my best to make others happy. I make them feel good and appreciated. I never show my own wounds because it can make them sad, too. However, here’s is the price I pay: no one believes me when I say I am exceedingly sad.
Oh, dear Yi, you said it so very well!!
I think that the beginnings of true joy are always found in seed form in the deepest aches and sorrows. I think of the examples of redemption stories from around the world that always involve the Redeemer who has to descend to the deepest and darkest depths of despair and doom in order to transcend them in resurrection, rising to victory over them and living in a new creation.
Certainly in my faith and redemption story, Precious Jesus went to the very bowels of hell and to the absolute bottom of the bottom, underneath all things before rising, and leading a host of captives to liberty with Him.
Lately, I have been finding that the goal of helping others to be happy, to be joyful and edified is remaining with me, in me as a state of being! I am thrilled, of course, because as Yi so tenderly puts it, night used to have the power to unleash the hounds of hellish anxieties, fear, and dread. Those demon dogs would ravage my heart and rip it to shreds, and I would lose anything I gained.
How did I get there? HA! In a way that made no sense! Well, no sense by the upside down logic of our world…I simply gave up!
Yep, surrendered, yielded and said kaput!
But the secret is this: I didn’t give up to the nothing, I gave up to Someone! Lady Grace had made promises, to other people in other lands and other times, and She said that these promises were for all peoples in all lands and all time…and I realized that I literally had nothing to lose.
I had nothing. Nothing could be lost, finally.
And Someone would find me, and She was faithful to what She said She would do, and so She brought me a mighty long way.
Consider: was I not as hypocritical, incongruent as the very ones I sought to help? For I was telling them that joy, happiness, gladness and gratitude was the state of being which would yield the greatest fruitfulness…and yet I myself was using those very qualities to cover up that gaping gash in my very own heart! I felt lost because I knew it was impossible to conjure them out of the awful stuff inside me.
Thanks be to God, for being those very things in me…for being present to fill me with joy, and peace, and clean contentment.
I want to echo Yi’s poignant post, and remind you to be aware as you walk each day, there are those all around you who may be teetering on the brink of despair…and just one touch, one smile, one compassionate hug may be the grain of sand that starts an avalanche of change for them. And I also want to exhort us all…let us look beyond, to the time and place of transcendence, and to the One Who transcends all things and has overcome the world!