That Numb Relief

When feelings take form inside my belly
(conceived by malevolent rape of fear)…

they float inside, tentacles trailing
and dripping venom, stings
and lashes left as their brand
and claim they own my heart.

Ugly jellyfish,
fat glutenous bodies
pulsing in anti-rhythm
that shatters my harmony.

And I know
I am ugly and coarse,
I know I repulse, repel
and am become castaway

Robinson Crusoe marooned with his man Ugly

When feelings gain control
and surge and pound,
tides unleashed from
the Moon’s tender tether

I know I am unlovely
and unlovable, and giant.
Denied position, denied a place, a table
and the seas choke relentlessly

and hope drowns.

When feelings reign supreme, alas!
I am lost, lonely, and never-loved.

Never attractive,
never desired or wanted
of no value, garbage
worthy only of slaughter
and funereal raging flames
of hate to eat the remains.

When feelings are it,
consuming and drowning me
Mama has Her work cut out for Her,

over awful repulsive me,
repugnant and shameful,
head low and eyes
digging dirt for stones

to crawl back under,
to disappear in.

When feelings take control,
I finally find the numb relief
of endurance, and another day
rolls on.

When feelings take control


One thought on “That Numb Relief

  1. Pingback: Poems About Gender Dysphoria From 2014 | Charissa's Grace Notes

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