My Self Esteem

It’s a fragile thing, proper self esteem.
I’ve never really had any as
I didn’t really have a true core
and solid sense of who I was.

Knowing I was one thing inside,
while everything around me
telling me I was another thing
is really diminishing and corrosive.
But since wondrous and very miraculous revelation
that I am not crazy,
or a freakshow,
or evil,
I have found self esteem
sneaking its shy mischievous head
well above the ground
soil of my soul,
and it has at first frightened me,
then puzzled me, and then
at last delighted me.
It makes me giddy,
and its fragrance is intoxicating!

But…
It is like a dandelion, like a snow flake.  It is here, delicate, beautiful, but fragile and fleeting.
The slightest breath, the slightest ray of warmth, and
poof
drip
gone.

Mama,
I pray that Your
Love and Comfort
would be in me
a Redwood of confidence,
an iceberg of self esteem.
After all,
how can I love
my neighbor as myself
if I am shapeless and void?

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Ode to Self-Righteousness

They lurked,
in lurid shadows, hurt,
angry inflamed
by evil righteousness
steeped in self
then drunk like
Dr Jekyll’s elixir.

The music,
light and beauteous
favor become sound
drifted, threaded
in and out and around to
remind them,
tantalize them,
sadly to torture them
with the dreary ugliness
of their inner bed o nails.

“Kill!  Destroy them!
Our Lord demands it!”
they shrieked
imagining they were
christian soldiers following
a wrathful righteous
incensed king returned.
But they didn’t know
they had stapled
His Wondrous Face
onto the caustic and rotten
golem of their own design,
they couldn’t see through
the veils of fear

That the Joyous One
was swirling, dancing,
and laughing with
gracious glance in the midst
of those lost, those abandoned,
those wounded…
…those forever finally found
and running free.

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Grace Ain’t Easy

To look upon the gaping gash and see
not filthy dressing posed as fancy dress
but sour disease soaked rags to hide such shame
that noble queens and kings forget their name.

To touch adroitly, tenderly, yet firm
resolved to bring a medicine that heals
and then adorns in precious stones and gold
and then withdraw lest secret shame be told.

A costly way of life, hidden alone
committed to the coming bright Someday
enduring sorrow, betrayal, no sleep
cuz grace ain’t easy, grace is never cheap.

Though none come with, still pressing on for always
to heal, before…to kill, left far behind
the short death chosen now with Love’s embrace
Will yield forever beauty, Joy, and Grace.

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The Wind Blows

In gusts and
tear-pulling rakes at my cheeks
the wind leans against me
like a drunk on the train.tumblr_n26w3zsxJE1t3hn5ao2_r1_1280Her fingers rake my hair
and glean out chaff from
useless yesterdays,
empty hulls with purpose served.nkuwrt033ia3oeartrkhHer fists though…shock me
with blindside blows and
I watch vital branches of my life
ripped away and gone gone gonedde42082959a25ff2cdc0e5d29180c94-d4tobk3Wind blows do leave bruises
on my tender gushy heart
holes in my too strong cover
and bleak determined knowing
that I must go on
resolute and face
into the wind.tumblr_n1qs20uvOj1t2lnl7o1_500