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Wednesday, 30 October 2013

I shouldn’t let the things I face destroy me.

Previously I described how my life has reshaped forever by my transition, how my privilege has been altered and how being transgender has very much changed how the world responds to me. Nothing in my life has remained the same, and while there have been many positive things, there was a lot that has left me scared, fearing for my life and often unable to leave my flat.

These fears have taken over my life and given me debilitating social anxiety. They have convinced me that I can’t be safe, to hide away and deny myself. They have convinced me I can never be the person I know I am, that I will only ever be a fraud or at best a poor imitation.

I am sick of this. I don’t want to feel ashamed anymore.

I don’t want to feel anxious that every time I leave my flat, consumed by the fear I won’t be coming back.
I don’t want depression and dysphoria triggered by the words and attacks of people to twist who I am.

My life should not be constantly pulled downwards by bigots and idiots.
My life shouldn’t be in their hands.
My life, my gender identity, my sexuality, who I am, is mine, and mine alone.
No-one has the right to tell me anything about any part of it.

I live my life with a constant barrage of how I am doing it wrong.
I am told by people on the street I am a ‘tranny’ or a ‘bloke in a dress’.
I am told by doctors I need to be more feminine and obey the rules.
I am told by other trans women I am too feminine and portray a stereotype of women.
I am told I shouldn’t ignore being trans…
…because it’s selfish to not be a 24/7 educator and activist.
I am told by people of my faith I will spend eternity in damnation…
…because I am homosexual.
I am told by straight cis people I am ‘too sensitive’…
…because I find the expression ‘that’s so gay’ or ‘tranny’ jokes offensive.
I am told by some other lesbians I can never be a lesbian…
…because I was assigned male at birth.

Worst of all the world treats me as less because I am a woman.

This is my life, a life of constantly being told I am wrong, having to treasure the very few people who tell me I am right. I am attack (sic) and abused, dehumanised and denied my own agency. I refuse to accept it anymore. The negativity I face with alarming consistency has driven me to the point of wanting to end my life and I still frequently feel like this is the only way out.

Why should I have to face all this merely because I am trying to be a genuine person and not hide behind the facade I created for years? I endured for years living in a gender role I knew wasn’t mine, facing a puberty that twisted my body into a form I couldn’t cope with and led to a depression that has limited my life. Now that I have finally accepted who I am and am trying to be a real person, people want me back in that cage.

I am a person and I refuse to be treated as less than that because some people disagree with the life I lead. Am I meant to just accept this, be timid and scared because I am in a minority? No, I won’t accept that I should be seen as a non-human and worthy of ridicule. I need to take back the power I have had taken from me and regain myself as a complete person.

I can do this because I have been made stronger by the challenges I have faced. As any LGBT person knows coming out is one of the most traumatic things you can do in your life, telling the world in most emphatic terms “I am not straight” or “I am not cis”. Essentially in the hetero and cis-normative society we live in you may as well be screaming “I am not normal”.

You don’t know if the person you tell will accept you, shun you, or worst of all, hurt you for trying to be who you are. No cis straight person will ever know this terror and understand that once that genie is out of the bottle there is no turning back, your life is altered forever. All you can hope is that it’s for the best.

I came out this year to a few at first, then to a lot, then to everyone in one massive go, then finally and the most scary, to my family. This was traumatic, but for me I was lucky it all went well.

What I didn’t know then was the trauma that would follow.

I’ve had the fear of coming out to doctors and having to deal with an often belligerent medical profession. Self administering hormones with no idea if they were damaging my liver and kidneys, or possibly going to kill me. Going full time in my gender identity while still looking like my old one. Abuse from random strangers. Constant misgendering. Actual attacks in the street. Difficulties with getting my hormones prescribed and being told I have to unnecessarily wait 2 years for a surgery that would drastically improve my life.

These are just a tiny example of how much my life has been ruled by fear for most of this year. These things have debilitated me, exacerbated my depression to insane lows and driven me to become so social anxious it can take me hours to be able to leave my flat. When I do leave I constantly worry whether I’ll ever come back or become one of the nameless statistics, another murdered or raped trans woman no-one cares about.

Now this is enough to make anyone break, and I have come so close so many times, but my transition has brought so much beauty and wonder into my life I refuse to let the fear take it away. I have met people I honestly love with all of my heart and soul for being wonderful and helping me through some of darkest times of my life. The simple ability to be who I really am is liberating beyond words.

This is a feeling few people will ever get to experience, to not only open the closet door but to burst out of it and just keep running. I have been liberated from a life that was nothing but vague images and dark shadows blurring past me. I have an identity that is mine and is only for me, not the shell I created for the people around me. This is why I won’t let the bigotry, the transphobia, homophobia and misogyny destroy me and crush the life I have only just got to start living.

People tell me I am strong, I am brave, but I don’t feel these things. I am really scared, timid and shy. I struggle to cope with what the world throws at me on a daily basis. Despite this I need to carry on, the other alternative is not good, and I’ve already been there before and it is not an option again, not now that I am finally able to live as who I am and be a complete person. I know there is still plenty of struggles ahead, the road won’t be smooth for me, but they are all a bit easier for knowing that I don’t have to hide any more.

I finally get to go over the rainbow, see the blue skies, and really have my dreams come true.