You Who Accuse…

…you say that I think I can do what I want and pronounce it all forgiven by my belief in my “make-believe god”?  You say that I think I can justify whatever I want and call it a “Road to Damascus” experience?

You think wrong.

You will never know the depth of the pain and sorrow for each and every time that I have fallen short…

…and you also will never know the hurt and pain you caused me with your false accusations of abuse and physical harm, your violent anger and threats of murder…your false memories and placing words in my mouth that I never said or even thought…

You will not have a way of knowing that even in your falseness I see that as my own fault because I did not do a good enough job to birth you into wholeness and understanding of truth…and instead, you go on forever about things that are so insane as to be befuddling to me.

No.  I am blood guilty of sins of commission, and sins of omission as well.

But I place my faith and my trust in the finished work of Jesus Christ, and in His Cross…and I ask Him to see me thru.
I trust Mama to Defend me, Advocate for me, Sustain me, Console me, and Comfort me.
I will do so all of my days, no matter how good or bad I was each day, no matter how deeply I fail or how high I fly.

This will never change, though I hope and pray that I will, continually becoming more like Jesus’ Lovely Heart by the Grace of God poured out liberally.

And there are others too…who read here like Nicodemus…you from the past, who used to come out into my working environment so you could criticise me, call me unsubmitted, tell me how I had no rule over my soul, and basically oppose every thing I attempted…I know you read here and think me tragically deceived, fallen away, or (one dude, you think this) in the clutches of “sexual sin”…

you think that being transgender is an act of sexual fulfillment, which absolutely cracks me up…like, I guffaw when I consider your ignorance and assumption.

You all have missed me in the midst of your judgement.

Here is me:  this song forever, along with the other ones I have posted this morning.

If you want to understand me and be in my heart, you must understand and accept these songs.  Whether or not you adhere to the songs is not my concern…that is up to you and your own convictions and choices.  I seek to love and accept you regardless, from you who say you dreamed of murdering me for years to you who shake your head and waggle your beard because you have judged me outcast and shunned.

Sometimes I need to make these declarations.

Today is one of those days…and I am still here…like Papillon…I am still here…clinging to the precious Bleeding Side of Jesus.


This Is My Eversong

There are lots of people who hate me…sounds maudlin and self-pitying, doesn’t it?

It’s true though.

Some hate me because I am transgender.
Some hate me because I stand for stuff.

And some hate me because I love God…

Let it be known:  once and for all and forever:  I love God, and I always will.

Always.  I love Jesus Christ with my whole entire heart, and the distance between His lovely heart and my own broken and evil heart is covered in the sweet Grace of Holy Spirit whom I call Mama…and between the two of Them They take me to the Father in Heaven whom I love too…and They make me Righteous and Clean.

I will never ever quail or turn away.

That is not a boast that I will never deny Them or turn away…oh God no…if given half a chance, I am certain I would fail Them just as I allus have failed everyone whom I love.  I am frail, I am but dust.  But see…They have shown me Their love…and I cannot go anywhere else…I will not go anywhere else, for They have said “Whosoever will…”

and I will.

You who mock me, who jeer and ask “Where is your god?”  You who abandon, who flee me because I am now anathema and unclean, guilty of capital crimes of gender variance…this is my song and will ever be.


Soundtrack to a Miracle

This song was playing when They did a significant and life preserving miracle in my life…in 2008, when I had gone on a trip with plans to never come back…and I mean never come back to this world.

I love Them so, They are so good and nothing but good.  (DDH…still need to tell you this!!)