10 Years Ago…

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My sister-blogger, heart sister and friend Kat issues fun challenges, and I have accepted a few:  I am gonna try to accept this one too.  It should be revealing to you, Constance.

Kat asks us to tell our readers where we were 10 years ago, what was going on…

Oh Constance, 10 years ago I was benighted and unaware, wandering like an insensate lost prisoner in the deserts of gender dysphoria…and no one knew, even my own conscious self…and the evidences were all around me inside my own experience and self, but hidden too.

Hidden because my father was still alive…a father that I loved dearly, respected as Ultimate, and sought to please with my whole heart…but a father who freely admitted he didn’t understand me at all and yet loved me anyway.  This is the person by whom I began living a life dissociated from myself…

…and in 2005, this person was dying, and then died.

July 20th, 2oo5, on a beautiful summer afternoon/evening.  1 week after my own birthday.

That entire year was such a horror, as Dad was dying already, wasting away the victim of Lewy-Body Dementia and I watched this man that I had respected and honored and given my absolute deepest love by tearing my own self in two in order to show him I was what he wanted…who he wanted…I even hid this from my knower so there would be no way out or available to be a disappointment to him.

I also was beginning the challenge of leading a crew of truck drivers, a task that I faithfully carried out for the next decade until my abrupt hitting of the wall this last fall, and of that I will not speak.

Lastly, in 2005…My mother in law was diagnosed with colorectal cancer, in advanced stages, and she suffered and died by late November…gone just like that.

In January of 2006, my first exterior, self-known manifestations of gender variance began to surface…Dad was gone, right?  And the overwhelming need to stop cross dressing male began to overwhelm me, except that since I had so propagandized my own consciousness with the binary gender paradigm and had so much of my sense of self wrapped up in proper presentation that this need was confusing and threatening…and so strong that it was either obey it or die.

With the love and acceptance of my beloved…and the amazing wondrous grace of Them Who Sit on the Throne, I somehow survived the last decade…and here I am at last, Charissa Grace.

But 2005…well, it was the start of the fires that produced the ashes of loss, from which the phoenix of beauty is arising.

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Kat Got Your Tongue Challenge: My Dream

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My Sissa, Kat, has issued her Monday challenge, in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr.

She asks:  what is your dream?

Well…for me, my dream is to be able to live out the love and kindness and depths of grace that I have been given by God…but to do it in real ways that are tangible and tasteable, real and reeking with presence and heart.

My dream is to see what my theology teaches become actual and practically true in my life…we are taught that the Holy Spirit of God inhabits our bodies and works to sanctify us and transform us from one realm to another.  We are taught that this transformation is a work in process over time, and that humility is the gateway to enter in to this process.  And ultimately, we are taught that we become “mini-Incarnations” of God’s presence in this world.

Jesus made an irrevocable difference in this world.

I long to do that too!!

I want this reality to be present so much that people would then realize just how irrelevant gender orientation is by comparison to the greatness of this display…and gender is pretty gosh dang crucial!

I dream that those who know me would say “There goes Charissa…a lover of God and a lover of humans and a servant of good and lovingkindness.”

I have a long way to go, but then again, Kat didn’t ask about how close we were, did she?  Giggles!

Do justice.  Love mercy.  Walk Humbly…

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Ladies of London: My Guilty Pleasure

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Kat wants to know our feelings about Reality TV.

I confess…I abso hate it almost all the time…except for Ladies of London, omg.  It totes caught me up in its horror!  Its wonder!  Its towering banality!  Oh how I wish I could hang out with those ladies just for one day…omg.

Giggles…

Okay, I will admit that I also like watching the Bachelor, though I would NEVER date any of those dudes, ever.  Or any of the women, for that matter!

And that brings me to the reality of reality tv…it isn’t real, or even close to it.  It is heavily scripted, plays to the lowest common denominator, seeks out the worst behavior and emphasized drama at the cost of dignity…I suspect that most of the people that are so awful in that spotlight and the resulting fantasy of “celebrity culture” might actually have a shot at being decent, even normal people if they had the anonymity they should have maintained.

Fame is difficult enough to handle in the best of circumstances.  But add in the element of sensationalistic drama, and it is a recipe for disaster.

*Charissa covers one eye, and clicks over to the Bachelor*

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