10 Years Ago…

katgotyourtongue

My sister-blogger, heart sister and friend Kat issues fun challenges, and I have accepted a few:  I am gonna try to accept this one too.  It should be revealing to you, Constance.

Kat asks us to tell our readers where we were 10 years ago, what was going on…

Oh Constance, 10 years ago I was benighted and unaware, wandering like an insensate lost prisoner in the deserts of gender dysphoria…and no one knew, even my own conscious self…and the evidences were all around me inside my own experience and self, but hidden too.

Hidden because my father was still alive…a father that I loved dearly, respected as Ultimate, and sought to please with my whole heart…but a father who freely admitted he didn’t understand me at all and yet loved me anyway.  This is the person by whom I began living a life dissociated from myself…

…and in 2005, this person was dying, and then died.

July 20th, 2oo5, on a beautiful summer afternoon/evening.  1 week after my own birthday.

That entire year was such a horror, as Dad was dying already, wasting away the victim of Lewy-Body Dementia and I watched this man that I had respected and honored and given my absolute deepest love by tearing my own self in two in order to show him I was what he wanted…who he wanted…I even hid this from my knower so there would be no way out or available to be a disappointment to him.

I also was beginning the challenge of leading a crew of truck drivers, a task that I faithfully carried out for the next decade until my abrupt hitting of the wall this last fall, and of that I will not speak.

Lastly, in 2005…My mother in law was diagnosed with colorectal cancer, in advanced stages, and she suffered and died by late November…gone just like that.

In January of 2006, my first exterior, self-known manifestations of gender variance began to surface…Dad was gone, right?  And the overwhelming need to stop cross dressing male began to overwhelm me, except that since I had so propagandized my own consciousness with the binary gender paradigm and had so much of my sense of self wrapped up in proper presentation that this need was confusing and threatening…and so strong that it was either obey it or die.

With the love and acceptance of my beloved…and the amazing wondrous grace of Them Who Sit on the Throne, I somehow survived the last decade…and here I am at last, Charissa Grace.

But 2005…well, it was the start of the fires that produced the ashes of loss, from which the phoenix of beauty is arising.

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4 thoughts on “10 Years Ago…

  1. What an incredibly emotional, pivotal time for you! It’s really amazing how much can change in 10 short years! While so many of us are different people than we were in 2005, you literally are a different person, in a completely different place in your life.
    Thank you for participating this week!

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