True Beauty

Constance, I know one of my biggest struggles in life is feeling like I should not be.  Just…not be.  And this has a whole list of corollaries that flow down from it, and one of the most serious is that I think I am tremendously ugly.  Physically, I was told that I looked okay for a biological male, sometimes even being told I was good looking.  But I never ever thought so…because that is not how I look to myself inside of me.

Inside of me?  I am small, light boned, neat and petite.  Not on the outside.

And now…as I transition, my looks are changing, getting better…but there is something else happening.  There is something inside me that comes out when I am most completely unaware of myself and when it does it feels wonderful.  And I am told that it is radiant and beautiful.

I still struggle with being.  A lot.  Especially during times of isolation and abandonment, because my quick relentless mind immediately fills that absence of people with reasons…”they are not here because you are ****, or ****”…fill in the blank, yeah?  Stupid, or ugly, or unlovely, or a pain in the ass, or a bother…it doesn’t really matter because they are all accusations and they are toxic as arsenic.

This morning I saw this quote, written in French, and it expresses a thought that represents hope to me.  If true beauty comes from within, and is based on a beautiful soul, then I have a shot at beauty, yes?  Because Mama and Jesus and Father are the Architects of my soul and it is the desire of my heart to look like Them.

Now to learn to live in the long absences as one full who deserves to be…instead of as a homeless person who is a blight.

“Chacune de nous a besoin de se faire dire qu’elle est formidable ! La beauté d’une femme n’est pas dans ses vêtements, ni le joli minois qu’elle affiche ou la façon dont elle se coiffe. La beauté d’une femme doit être vue dans ses yeux parce qu’ils sont les portes de son coeur, là où l’amour réside. La beauté d’une femme n’est pas dans un grain de beauté bien placé sur le haut d’une lèvre. La vraie beauté d’une femme est réfléchie par son âme. L’amour qu’elle donne, la passion qu’elle démontre, les années qui passent l’embellissent.”tumblr_n00r52eSqi1r7fsa9o1_500

10 thoughts on “True Beauty

  1. Regardless of our background, childhood, history, you name it, many women have similar thoughts. Maybe some were not born in a body that is different than who they are, but they do struggle. I think it’s that inner beauty that truly makes someone beautiful. One of the nicest things someone ever said to me was that I’m a hot soccer mom. (I asked if I could be a hot band mom instead and he said sure but it was more of a compliment as a soccer mom. I let that go) The reason this meant so much to me is because it was someone who knew me as a skinny gawky teenager, saw me at my absolute physical worst- immediately after giving birth, those bloopy days with baby fat….you name it and he said that I’m a hot soccer mom. He was genuinely shocked that I didn’t know this. And it wasn’t because he liked my looks but because I knew that he was basing that on knowing ME- the inner me as well as the outer me.

    And when you can figure out how to turn off that voice- that negative self talk that goes on, could you share it with me because I really do not like that voice at all. I try to ignore it. It’s hard.

    • Thank you for this, Sissa…it is oddly encouraging to me to hear from you, and from my baby, and from my therapist, that this voice inside me seems to be the voice of being Woman, and it is part and parcel to that being…it is not due to the divide in me.

      I am trying to give myself the benefit of the doubt more for sure.

      And I loved your story about being a hot soccer mom!! Omg that must have felt SOOO awesome!!

  2. You are beautiful inside and out. Don’t you forget that! You ARE supposed to be here and because you are, we are all the lucky ones to know you and share in that fluttering (my favorite word) soul of yours that makes us all smile. 🙂

    • ohhh. okay now I am crying. “fluttering soul”…yes, that is indeed my soul, isn’t it? I had never thought of it that way. I get so down, like a butterfly chained to a weight and trying to fly. Sometimes the idea of no more struggle is quite appealing…but then that flutter flitters

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