Hi all, and as always thanks soo much for reading! I am amazed that anyone ever finds their way over here.
I wanted to write an update regarding where I am at in my life and in my transition. I have made soo much progress!! I went to my counselour the other night, and I was fully normally dressed! The first time ever I have gone outside dressed properly, and that is so huge for me after 50 plus years of having to dress in mandrag. Her reaction was such a blessing! She teared up, and had a hard time talking for awhile, and then she said that I was beautiful.
Wow. Just. Wow.
I had such a catch in my chest, and it was such a peaceful and truly fulfilling feeling to be experienced on the outside the way I have longed to be experienced, and the way I experience myself on the inside. We talked for a long long time, visiting and sharing together. Periodically, I watched as she would see the true me…Charissa…and she seemed like she was soo proud of me.
I bought some jeans that are women’s jeans, but are very plain and black. I wore a pair of them today to ______, and no one even noticed or said anything….well, actually that is not completely true. One _______ gave me a hard time about my wife “wanting her jeans back”, but whatever. I don’t have to see the guy much. All day long I felt so much more normal and settled inside. It is really hard to describe the dislocation internally that I feel when I have to dress in man-drag, and how rough and coarse and plainly clumsy those clothes are.
It has been less than a year, but coming up on one year since I admitted to myself who I truly am. At first, it was just such a shock over and over again, to discover and rediscover consciously what I had always known, and then repressed from about 6 yrs old on, due to parental pressure. Hey, it was the 60s and out in the boondocks, folks! When I got the courage to buy my real clothes, and try things out, it felt very good, but very scary too. When I looked in the mirror, I could only see oddness and strangeness.
Little by little I began to get better at makeup, and discover my sense of style. Well, it’s more accurate to say that I actually surrendered to my sense of style, and let it out. As soon as I did that, I was well on the way to becoming more free….each day I spent more and more hours of the day consciously as Charissa, and the old birth name and identity seemed like a husk slowly being left behind…one that had served its purpose and was okay to go far beyond, up and away from into a new liberty and freedom.
I am so fortunate in that my transition and gender issues are able to be grappled with unburdened by sexuality issues or dating or needing to sort out relational issues in the area of love. Words cannot express how wonderful my dearest darling is, and this has taken a huge issue out of the picture for me, thank God. I think a lot of transgender people lose so many of their support relationships that they are driven by the need for love and affection into going at a pace that perhaps is not the wisest. It is not for me to judge that, it is just a guess. At any rate, I am so happy to not have to deal with those things.
Nowadays, I am almost exclusively Charissa in my inner thoughts and prayers and conversations. It is more a shock to me when someone calls me Sir, or when someone calls my birthname! That amazes me, honestly. Even in prayer, so often the Lady Grace calls me daughter and affirms Her love for me, and the Father and Jesus’s love for me that I am constantly amazed.
I went to my naturopath and she is trying to get my system balanced enough to begin HRT. Months ago I was so ambivalent as to whether I even wanted to go that route. Now? I am settled and sure, confident that this is an excellent course of action for me.
I have been on an herb that is having a real effect on my estrogen levels. They are at normal for a cisgendered woman, just from the herbs! Truly my body likes it, and I myself internally feel far calmer and at rest when I am taking that herb. All my health numbers are absolutely stellar…all but my thyroid, which is out of whack, and that due to the stress and anxiety that I am under each day from work, where I can never truly anticipate if things are going to be crazy or good.
I am growing my hair, preparing for HRT, getting on with my therapist sooo good, finding the right clothes and style, working on my familial relationships, and (content edited *2018).
So much change last year…so much promise this year. Last year seemed like it was a cocooning year, and that chrysalis looks inert and dead…I hope to begin emerging this year more and more. And…as always, may my life and heart be pleasing unto the Father, and Jesus, and the Blessed Lady Grace Holy Spirit. May I bring joy to their heart, and blessing to their people! Amen.