I do not know if I have ever cried more tears, and laughed more laughs. I came back to myself last year, after 50 years locked away behind rebukes, reproaches, and binary chains.
I also experienced significant betrayal and mistreatment in my place of _______. My _________ was revealed to be a two faced blame shifting rat and his lack of support and active blaming of me for his own shortcomings resulted in much grief and stress and ultimately many nights full of despair and sorrow. My gut was a mess for many months and my heart was broken again and again.
But in the midst of all of that, I held tight and gritted my teeth, and kept my eyes on becoming…kept my eyes on walking the second mile, kept my eyes on the one who hung between heaven and earth and bled. My poetry has never been so good, and I am told that I have never been gentler or more broken or kind than I am now. One of my ____________ told me I was literally the best person she knew of who truly modeled blessing those who cursed me…I cried tears of joy. One of my _______ told me that I was literally the most skilled parent he had experienced from among all his peers, and that if he was allowed to choose from all history and all parents, he would choose me… and completely accepts me as trans. I cried more. My other son told me he was so proud of me, and my other daughter…well, we are working on it.
My darling beautiful heart of hearts is with me deeper and stronger than ever.
A year of loss…a year of gain. A year of growth that was diminishing. I came to the end of myself and beyond where I ever thought I could go. I wanted to die many days, but wanted to live and bring honor to Him even more. I got to know Mama better than ever.
But I will not deny that it was all in all a year of blessed defeat, and I have found that I am truly nothing in myself, and I never realized how unable and powerless I really am to do or be anything good apart from the life of Jesus in me. I used to say that proudly, theologically…now? It is a fact.
I will not deny that I am glad to see 2013 disappear into the mists of history, and I am looking forward to 2014. Let Lady Grace reinterpret 2013, and Let Jesus and the Father cause all things to work together for my good as I set my heart to love them and be called according to their purpose.
Last but not least, there is a blogger here whose words have lanced me, healed me, and encouraged me. She is one of the most special people I am aware of, and has a true mother’s heart. Dearest Dani…may you find the children that the Father has waiting for you, both natural and spiritual (I am one of your spiritual girls, for you have mothered my hurting and broken soul in ways you will one day find out). And may you know that, as the old chorus says, I love you with the Love of the Lord, for I see in you the Glory of my King. Thank you, Dani!
Thanks to all who come here and read. I am humbled and I am honored.
Sincerely…Happy New Year!!!!!