Extremely Difficult Morning

What words are there to express being a prisoner inside a body that seems like a cell, one that you can never be let out of?

I have been touched by the similarity between my own experience and that of a new friend on the blogs who also struggles with being trapped in her body.  But her body is woman, and she is woman too.

To have hair on your breasts…to have no hips…to have hair all over your face…to have a weird alien thing where nothing should be…to live under the threat of ostracization or possibly even violence if anyone knew…

Other than the undeniable fact that this is, what is there to accept about this?

I ask the Q…what did I do wrong?  Some people in churches think that people like me are demon possessed…why do I love Jesus then, and find it comforting to talk to Him, and Lady Grace and the Father?  I find release in confessing Jesus is Lord, so how can I be demon possessed?

Some people think that people like me are sexual deviants…how this assumption crumples my heart inside.  I would gladly never ever have any sexual encounter for the rest of my days if I could in return be properly bodied.  Sex is necessary for procreation, and a tremendous blessing of the expression of love, tenderness, comfort and pleasure…but it is not necessary for survival of an individual, or fruitfulness as a person.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX!

One person in my life found out and has run, like villagers from the monster of Frankenstein.

And the inevitable Qs of Why God?  No different than others who have their insufferable burdens, I guess.

The days, weeks and months have passed, and all of the masks and methods I used to hide, from myself and from others are falling like the leaves around me during this autumn season, and the trees are stripped bare…I long to be stripped bare, and I am terrified of it.

Tomorrow I shall remember the ones who were killed, but I will also mourn this one, who has never been born…for it is hard to say what is worse…a hollow that longs to be filled, or a fullness that can never find being?

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